I want to tell the father of the miscarried child (Dominic, I called him) that he exists... I want to let him know he has a child in heaven. I feel like he has the right to know. I want the world to know I'm a mother.
Simultaneously I don't want the world to know. The whole situation is so full of pain and grief and guilt, even after confessing it all a number of times. I don't want the inevitable questions, the scrutiny, the pain, the questions of "Why has it taken this long to tell?" I don't want people to again pretend I made it up. I wish it didn't happen. That pain, that grief is still there. 4 years after the 'deed' was done, and I'm still suffering. Night after night I think of Dominic and day after day. I never knew love could be this strong until knowing I had and I lost... And the guilt of being in such denial to begin with and not appreciating being pregnant while I was. I was just scared and hurting and ashamed.
I just want to hold my baby boy, to be comforting him... Instead of him comforting me. Yes, he comforts me sometimes, spiritually. Just like Mary's mother also comforts me... Just in an entirely different way.
The pain of it is sometimes too much time bear. Other times I forget, no idea how, and then I'm racked with guilt.
Dominic means "belonging to God" which also means I know God is taking care of him for me. I didn't even know the meaning of his name until the year before last... And I named him in 2012... Just after the nine month labour pains, though I miscarried in March.
His birthday is 4th November 2012... That's when I went through the labour pains.
To have gone through the pain emotionally and physically and to have no child to show for it is hard. In a way though in glad God is looking after him... It means he's not suffering due to my poor health here on earth.
I've been through plenty of pain in my life gut this is different. So different.
God bless
