Something God showed me today...

It doesn't matter why I made the decision I did. It doesn't matter that I miss you incredibly and that I'm hurting even more incredibly because of that decision. What matters is I made that decision and I can't change it. No matter how much I want to. No matter how much I am hurting or how much I miss you. I hurt both of us when I made that decision, but I still know that I made it not because it was a choice between right and wrong; but a choice between what was right and what was best. Even that doesn't matter. All that really matters is I made that decision, and it is something that I have to build a bridge and get over.

That doesn't change my feelings about the matter, it just means that I have to forgive myself for hurting us.

Dear Silver,

I admit it. I miss you. Since that day when I last saw you, you have been on my mind each and every day. It's not a distraction now like it used to be, but I still think back to the memories we made and smile; and sometimes cry for the same reasons. I know that God has his plans and for now that means you're far away again, and maybe we'll never see each other again in this life, but I'm sure that we will continue to meet in the Eucharist and in heaven.

I can't express just how torn I was and how much it hurt to tell you that I had to stay here, when originally we were going to continue on together. I know that one day you'll see that it has all been for the best, even though it hurts incredibly and I am missing you like I never thought I would.

For now, I am continuing on, not letting this all get in the way of what God has planned for me. I pray you are well and safe and that one day, we may see each other again. Even if we never see each other face to face again, I will continue to pray for you and your well-being.


Sometimes in life one has to make the hardest decisions and go against what they want in order to ensure the well-being of oneself and others. As much as I wanted to come with you, I knew it would be best for the both of us if I didn't. I pray you will see that in time.

May God continue to bless you in each and everyday!

The Catherine Tree

...that's what makes you beautiful!

I have been spending a lot of my time lately (ie since I got back to Brownsville) being either busy, sick, eating or sleeping. Yep, jet lag is still affecting me now, but it'll pass soon enough... I hope. Perhaps my heart and life are a bit jet lagged too... but that's not the point of this post. Enough of the rambling.

The reason for this post is this article. Have a read of it! It reminded me that sometimes we can get so ugly  when everything around us is either busy or just generally turning into something similar to what you find in a sewer. Again, enough of the rambling Tammy!

Really though, this article reminded me of some of the things we tend to forget when everything is going down the plumbing. 24 Things That Make You Beautiful is an article describing what its title does: 24 things that make you beautiful.

It might surprise you that these 24 things do not consist of make up or appearance; but that is the whole point of the article: these are 24 things that make you beautiful from the inside, because that's where it counts. (Hmm... run on sentence or well punctuated? You tell me... *rolls eyes and shrugs with one of those yep I'm weird and I accept that smiles*) Seriously though, read this article: there may be some things that you too can work on during lent; if any of them really strike you of course! (I know I will be! Constant conversion to consecrating my life to Jesus above all else? Here I come!)

I know there a couple of points on this article relating to possible significant others, and I don't totally agree with them, but hey. Each to their own I guess?

Anyhow, time for me to finish drinking my coffee (look out hyper-active, energy filled after that brilliant swim this afternoon, yet tired as all... well... something or other... Crazy Squiggly Lady abounds in the Browntown!)

Pax et fotunus deu!!! -|--

Reality hurts

In twenty four hours time, we will be on a plane heading out of Zagreb. First stop Zurich. Second stop Seoul. Then to Brisbane. From Brisbane we don't know where we are going but I want to head back to browntown for a while to catch up with people. At this point in time I feel like we need some time apart to regroup and regather. I'm tired of waiting and honestly I want to get a job and get back into the swing of things, kinda. I don't want to go back to the same road to burn out but I can't wait to get back into ministry, work and church. For English masses to be the norm? I'm excited!

Silver Gnat, I want to run away from you for a little while. Get myself back to me. Let you get back to you. I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense but I'm afraid we are relying too much upon each other considering we are just good friends. You rely on my accountability and I rely on your companionship... We need time apart. I need to learn to be my own companion and you need to learn to be accountable for yourself.

Yes I'm scared. I have no idea what's coming within the next week even let alone the next month, and honestly that scares me more than you can imagine. I do know though that the Lord has it all under control and my worrying isn't going to change what is coming in the slightest. Here's to coming home!

More than I care to admit

I care about you more than I want to admit. I'm scared of a relationship because I'm scared of being hurt like I did last time. To see you hurt, to see your eye so swollen because your hoody hit your eye, struck a nerve and became infected hurts me more than I can explain. It makes me want to cry when you squint because the smallest amount of light to hit your eye hurts it. We have less than two days left in this country and this chapter of our lives; and that scares me more than I could show or describe. I don't know what things will look like around the corner because I really can't know... No one can see what's just around the river end until they are there. I'm going to miss living with you in Europe because it has been the time of my life and because when we go back to Australia, things are bound to change in some way; for better or worse? I don't know. North, south or anywhere else? I don't know. Lifestyle? Again, I have no idea. All I know is just how much I care about you and how much it hurts me when you are hurt in even the tiniest little way. 

It's moments like these when you need minties!

Awesome title? Yes. Awesome post? Not quite. Here goes...

Why did you have to tell me that you love me? Not just the once when we were arguing and you said '...and that is one of the reasons why I love you.' It wouldn't have bothered me so much (it didn't bother me so much) because I thought you might have just been talking sarcastically (though your tone and body language were screaming truth) and that it might have been just a slip. Heck, I'm surprised I haven't slipped yet. But when I was terribly sick and sore in bed yesterday, all day (for the second day in a row) you came and sat by me and said 'I love you.' You then continued to tell me how special you think I am (for the thousandth time) as I hid my face. You touched my hand and I reefed it away because I couldn't bear the emotion that I was already consumed by, and made worse by being sick and wanting space because of the pain and stupid female brain.

By now any person would be asking me why I'm running again rather than enjoying it, and the fact is I can't bear feeling like I'm in a relationship whilst blatently not being in a relationship because he just won't ask. Being in a hostel and meeting new people everyday is awesome; being reminded that you're 'good friends' whilst appearing to be in a relationship yet not being in one is not. The worst part? I can't talk to him about it because its to do with him, and I'm not going to be the one to ask.

A post to all guys, even though they dont read this; so I guess this is just a rant...

Look, when a girl tells you more than twice in a day that she feels like shit; give her some space! Its most likely that this is the time when she would rather just spend a day (or a week) snug under a blanket, with a book, a block (or few) of chocolate and a pot of tea. The last thing she wants is to go for a walk for an hour in sub zero temperatures...

Just give her space when she needs it.

If she moves to another room after youve just entered the room, dont follow her unless she looks upset.

Got it?

Now pass it around.