I want to tell him

I want to tell the father of the miscarried child (Dominic, I called him) that he exists... I want to let him know he has a child in heaven. I feel like he has the right to know. I want the world to know I'm a mother.

Simultaneously I don't want the world to know. The whole situation is so full of pain and grief and guilt, even after confessing it all a number of times. I don't want the inevitable questions, the scrutiny, the pain, the questions of "Why has it taken this long to tell?" I don't want people to again pretend I made it up. I wish it didn't happen. That pain, that grief is still there. 4 years after the 'deed' was done, and I'm still suffering. Night after night I think of Dominic and day after day. I never knew love could be this strong until knowing I had and I lost... And the guilt of being in such denial to begin with and not appreciating being pregnant while I was. I was just scared and hurting and ashamed.

I just want to hold my baby boy, to be comforting him... Instead of him comforting me. Yes, he comforts me sometimes, spiritually. Just like Mary's mother also comforts me... Just in an entirely different way.

The pain of it is sometimes too much time bear. Other times I forget, no idea how, and then I'm racked with guilt.

Dominic means "belonging to God" which also means I know God is taking care of him for me. I didn't even know the meaning of his name until the year before last... And I named him in 2012... Just after the nine month labour pains, though I miscarried in March.
His birthday is 4th November 2012... That's when I went through the labour pains.

To have gone through the pain emotionally and physically and to have no child to show for it is hard. In a way though in glad God is looking after him... It means he's not suffering due to my poor health here on earth.

I've been through plenty of pain in my life gut this is different. So different.

God bless

Something God showed me today...

It doesn't matter why I made the decision I did. It doesn't matter that I miss you incredibly and that I'm hurting even more incredibly because of that decision. What matters is I made that decision and I can't change it. No matter how much I want to. No matter how much I am hurting or how much I miss you. I hurt both of us when I made that decision, but I still know that I made it not because it was a choice between right and wrong; but a choice between what was right and what was best. Even that doesn't matter. All that really matters is I made that decision, and it is something that I have to build a bridge and get over.

That doesn't change my feelings about the matter, it just means that I have to forgive myself for hurting us.

Dear Silver,

I admit it. I miss you. Since that day when I last saw you, you have been on my mind each and every day. It's not a distraction now like it used to be, but I still think back to the memories we made and smile; and sometimes cry for the same reasons. I know that God has his plans and for now that means you're far away again, and maybe we'll never see each other again in this life, but I'm sure that we will continue to meet in the Eucharist and in heaven.

I can't express just how torn I was and how much it hurt to tell you that I had to stay here, when originally we were going to continue on together. I know that one day you'll see that it has all been for the best, even though it hurts incredibly and I am missing you like I never thought I would.

For now, I am continuing on, not letting this all get in the way of what God has planned for me. I pray you are well and safe and that one day, we may see each other again. Even if we never see each other face to face again, I will continue to pray for you and your well-being.


Sometimes in life one has to make the hardest decisions and go against what they want in order to ensure the well-being of oneself and others. As much as I wanted to come with you, I knew it would be best for the both of us if I didn't. I pray you will see that in time.

May God continue to bless you in each and everyday!

The Catherine Tree

...that's what makes you beautiful!

I have been spending a lot of my time lately (ie since I got back to Brownsville) being either busy, sick, eating or sleeping. Yep, jet lag is still affecting me now, but it'll pass soon enough... I hope. Perhaps my heart and life are a bit jet lagged too... but that's not the point of this post. Enough of the rambling.

The reason for this post is this article. Have a read of it! It reminded me that sometimes we can get so ugly  when everything around us is either busy or just generally turning into something similar to what you find in a sewer. Again, enough of the rambling Tammy!

Really though, this article reminded me of some of the things we tend to forget when everything is going down the plumbing. 24 Things That Make You Beautiful is an article describing what its title does: 24 things that make you beautiful.

It might surprise you that these 24 things do not consist of make up or appearance; but that is the whole point of the article: these are 24 things that make you beautiful from the inside, because that's where it counts. (Hmm... run on sentence or well punctuated? You tell me... *rolls eyes and shrugs with one of those yep I'm weird and I accept that smiles*) Seriously though, read this article: there may be some things that you too can work on during lent; if any of them really strike you of course! (I know I will be! Constant conversion to consecrating my life to Jesus above all else? Here I come!)

I know there a couple of points on this article relating to possible significant others, and I don't totally agree with them, but hey. Each to their own I guess?

Anyhow, time for me to finish drinking my coffee (look out hyper-active, energy filled after that brilliant swim this afternoon, yet tired as all... well... something or other... Crazy Squiggly Lady abounds in the Browntown!)

Pax et fotunus deu!!! -|--

Reality hurts

In twenty four hours time, we will be on a plane heading out of Zagreb. First stop Zurich. Second stop Seoul. Then to Brisbane. From Brisbane we don't know where we are going but I want to head back to browntown for a while to catch up with people. At this point in time I feel like we need some time apart to regroup and regather. I'm tired of waiting and honestly I want to get a job and get back into the swing of things, kinda. I don't want to go back to the same road to burn out but I can't wait to get back into ministry, work and church. For English masses to be the norm? I'm excited!

Silver Gnat, I want to run away from you for a little while. Get myself back to me. Let you get back to you. I know that doesn't sound like it makes sense but I'm afraid we are relying too much upon each other considering we are just good friends. You rely on my accountability and I rely on your companionship... We need time apart. I need to learn to be my own companion and you need to learn to be accountable for yourself.

Yes I'm scared. I have no idea what's coming within the next week even let alone the next month, and honestly that scares me more than you can imagine. I do know though that the Lord has it all under control and my worrying isn't going to change what is coming in the slightest. Here's to coming home!