Well...

Today is a new day!

Whilst this may be an obvious statement, let me first say this: I have not been excited for a new day for a very long time, so to be excited about the prospect of living another day means I'm getting better. Sure, it's going to be a long process of healing and altering my thinking, but even the fact that I'm excited for a new day is a win.

Yay for healing, help, dancing around to happy music while getting ready in the mornings and friends!! :D

They said...

...there would be side effects to taking the anti-depressants. I've always been the type of person who hasn't even been touched by side effects; but this time it's different. I've been nauseas, dizzy, lethargic and suffering from headaches for the past two days. I pretty much just feel like shit constantly. One good thing I guess though  is that the depressing illogical thoughts I was getting aren't there so much now; I kinda feel a bit numb really... as well as generally drowsy. :/ I hope the side effects only last a couple more days...

A few thank-yous.

Thank-you to Miss Eel, you brighten up my Mondays and Tuesdays each week when we make dough and pizzas for strangers then do what ever else. For the water breaks. For the getting me to see things from perspectives I may not have thought about. For encouraging me to do better.

Thank-you to Frog. I couldn't have made it to where I am in the last few weeks if it wasn't for you. For the chats. For the drinks. For the sunrise last week when security casually pretended we weren't there. For staying up with me for the entirety of that night. For coming for that drive with me last night. For your constant encouragement and helping me to remember the positives. For the awesome weekend day and night shifts where we play music, get the work done and have fun. For not giving up on me when I was ready to give up on myself.

Thank-you to Beatiful, Darling, Lovely and Grunt for being the best work cars around. You guys are so fuel efficient and your handling is great. Thank-you for putting up with us drivers, even though sometimes we forget that it takes you guys a lot of effort sometimes to drive around for hours on end every single night. Thank-you for allowing us to carry pizza to randoms houses.

Thank-you to LBA for being there for Antelope, even when she was over 13,000 miles away from you. Thank-you for the entertaining countdown and for your understanding. Thank-you for being awesome. Its must have been hard for you, not having your best friend nearby; but you and her together have a friendship that has outlasted distance and hardship which is rare and makes it even more special. I send you light and happiness and all other good things as well; and appreciate that which you wrote today. It means a lot! :)

Thank-you to Lav-Lav, for being Antelope's transport for the time she was here and for now being my form of transport. Thank-you for being less temperamental lately, it's been very much appreciated. Thank-you for letting us play awesome music in you and reminding us that bad music should never EVER be played! Thank-you for the awesome road trip to Cairns. For being so fuel efficient. For being having such a great personality and for not getting upset when we wake you early on Sunday mornings.

Thank-you to all the people who gave me transport before I had a car. I appreciate your assistance and understanding. I feel I owe you (especially five of you) a lot for helping me for so long. Ever need a lift home? I will be more than likely to say yes!

Thank-you to the people I work with. For always being awesome. For always being entertaining. For being such great colleagues. Thank-you for allowing the work place to run awesomely and for allowing work to be enjoyable, even on the sometimes crazy 'Cheap Tuesdays.'

Thank-you to Vertigo for being such a great dog. You are SO well behaved and [nearly] always keen to learn. Thank-you for being there for Antelope in a way that none other could, and for helping her to become a great trainer! Lav-Lav misses you being around, she told me so herself when we were driving around tonight. Thank-you Vertigo for having such an awesome joie de vivre (as LBA pointed out when she was here in the American summer.) You're joie de vivre has inspired me on many occasions when I've needed cheering up. I will miss your squiggliness everytime you see me. I will miss playing with the hose, with the ball, with sticks and running up and down the beach and the springy grass with you. Thank-you for all the memories and for being the best Aussie Cattle Dog I have EVER known!

Thank-you to my housemates for being so understanding and for putting up with me even though I have a completely different day schedule than you. I'm really sorry if I ever wake you up at night with the shower, the loo, the tv, the doors, the fridge or any other noises I make at night. I also thank-you for being so easy to live with and for the random tv/drinks/dinner times/puzzles/drives we sometimes have. I am glad that we have such a great arrangement! :)

Thank-you to Baffles. I know you are overseas in Europe right now and that we havent been living in the same town for over two years now, but I want to thank-you for being such an awesome bestie. I don't know how (or IF) I would have been able to make it through high school without you. You have been a constant support and source of friendship since we met in 2004 and I thank-you for every moment of that. I wish we could live in the same city. Even though we have our funny little things, I know that in ten, twenty, fifty, eighty years time we will still be besties. It's really hard to find besties these days, but you my dear friend will be a friend for life. Thank-you for that.

Finally, and I'm sure you all saw it coming, thank-you to Antelope. It hasn't quite set in yet that you've gone home for good. Every time I drive past your street now it feels empty; like someone has removed it and the sign still stands telling people where it used to be. My brain keeps telling me you'll be back next week, but I know better. I wish you the best of luck in America and I am so glad that you now have your best friend and your family with you. I want to thank-you for being here in Australia for as long as you were. You have made the last [almost] two years so much better for me than I could have ever envisaged. Thank-you for being my sponsor and Godmother. Thank-you for the random drives, pumping up the volume, belting out tunes whiling away the hours and talking about everything under the sun. Thank-you for being a support for me not only emotionally, but spiritually and mentally as well. Between you and Frog in the last few weeks, you have encouraged me to get better and that perhaps taking medication to help me along the way isn't a bad thing. Thank-you Antelope for all the memories that you have helped me create when you were in Australia. Thank-you for being awesome and showing me (along with LBA) how awesome friendship can really be. Thank-you for teaching me (perhaps without realising) how to train dogs and how to stand up for something that you are passionate about. Sure Pet HQ may have made [completely empty] legal threats towards you, but       that is simply because they know how in the wrong they are. Thank-you for letting me be Vertigo's 'Fun Aunt' and helping me to establish with him when funtime isn't really appropriate. Thank-you for being my music soulmate and for letting me be your friend. Thank-you for helping me believe, even when I was allbeit ready to give it up. Thank-you for everything Antelope, it has all meant so much to me. I wish you the very best of luck; forever and always!

...and then it all comes out...

Yesterday (and the early hours of this morning) was nothing short of CRAZY!!! I went to the doctor yesterday after being referred there by my very  lovely counsellor. I was so nervous. I couldn't keep myself from constant fidgeting... and I'm sure the doctor noticed. For once, I actually mentioned that I was nervous around doctors and explained why; and the doctor was highly understanding. The doctor mentioned (like the counsellor did last week) that I should go on medication to 'fill my Dopamine cup' so I don't feel as shite. After being highly skeptical and questioning whether I really needed them; I accepted a prescription for anti-depressants from the doctor.

Work was great! We had a fairly steady night, got everything done early, got out right on time and even had a few of our 'water' breaks during the night. We danced around randomly at point because we were having fun. Yes, even I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying my night, until I waited for forty minutes in a car. I didn't become upset because I was waiting, I became upset because I spent that time thinking. Thinking about everything. It wasn't like I meant to make myself upset; it just happened.

When I got to the place where we were to have drinks, I tried to pretend to be pumped again. I really wanted to be excited and to be having fun. I tried to think alternative thoughts, to not be paying attention to my automatically negative thoughts; it didn't work. I guess once your thoughts have been following a particularly negative path for so long, it takes a while to be able to get back to thinking in ways that don't automatically catastrophise everything. But I kept trying. Trying to not feel awkward around a particular person who I've humiliated myself in front of multiple times. Trying to pretend everything was ok. Trying to be happy.

But I went downhill; fast. I drank. I drank more. I went for a walk intending to walk home, but a friend of a friend drove around to look for me and found me; so I made up a story that I was walking to clear my head. I returned to the drinks session. I drank more. I drank too much. I got sick. I got really quiet. Everyone either went home or inside to bed except for Frog. I slipped in and out of consciousness and sickness. I cried.

It hurt to cry; but I couldn't do anything else. I can't believe how much I was still hurting, even after I'd been drinking. Usually I might feel a little unhappy with how my life is headed at the time. Usually I feel at least a little bit numb once I've had a few to drink. Last night I could still feel it all... even though I'd drank enough to be sick. I don't usually get sick that easily. Usually I don't get a hangover like that; I'm usually just tired.

Another night of humiliating myself. I just wanted them to go to bed so they could sleep. I'm used to no sleep, they aren't. I thank them with every ounce of appreciation possible for staying with me last night; for not letting me sleep outside by myself on the patio like I wanted to. For the walk and the maccas run at sunrise just because. Thank you for helping me see the positives, even if it did take a few hours. Thank you for helping me see the beauty in a sunrise; in a new day.For everything. Frog; I can't thank you enough. 

Be warned, you may not want to read this for at least a few weeks...

The last couple of days have been pretty breezy... by way of general life. Ok who the hell am I kidding? I was left out of photos today, I keep being shrugged off by nearly everyone. Don't they realise how much it hurts? Being shrugged off when you're already lonely? When you've already lost almost everyone you care about? I feel like I'm not wanted anywhere, by anyone; I HATE IT! Sure, I may talk a lot about my feelings and complain a lot; but when I do, it's only because if I didn't I know I'd do something stupid; crazy even and get either thought less of or get my self irreversibly hurt.

Last night, I went for a walk for just over two hours; between one and three in the morning. Some would call me stupid; to me it was logical.  I was feeling restless, I'd overeaten, I needed to get out of the house for a while, I felt I needed to do something that could be somewhat dangerous and I needed to go for long enough that it'd be worth it. Well I don't know about any of you, but 10.4km and 2 hours, 4 minutes was quite satisfying; for a start. At three am I was back home and quite satisfied with my walk; and would have gone longer, but I was tired. Tonight I feel like doing it again, but I won't because I have a doctor's appointment, a counsellors appointment and work tomorrow... then a social event which I'm not sure I want to go to, but will for the sake of work politics... and the fact that I really don't want to have another person hurt because I backed out (Even though I don't want to go because the sheer thought of a possibility humiliating myself again in front of those people totally freaks me out.)

I think I just realised how my bfp went the way she did... I'm going to have to change my ways, before I end up like her...

UPDATE: 15.5km tomorrow night? BRING IT!!!!!

Walkies!!!

Photos to come, but that walk was what I needed. Every single moment of those 2hours and 6 minutes!!! :D

...so maybe I should take this into account?

From the Blog: It was just a dream... Dammit!


Trials

Posted by Kazuha Toyama

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided since the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So, the farmer invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels, and began to shovel dirt into the well.

All the other farm animals were very upset about this, because the donkey was their friend. But they discovered there was nothing they could do to help him. At first, when the donkey realized what was happening, he cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off, and take a step up on the dirt as it piled up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and trotted off!

MORAL: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. But each trouble can be a stepping stone. What happens to you isn't nearly as important as how you react to it. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not giving up!

...it's even harder when

someone implies that you're selfish and only think of yourself. HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS? BY CARING TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! She shouldn't even know anything about this! It's none of her business. Little miss busy-body needs to keep her nose out of other people's affairs. Trying to tell ME of all people about suicide? Telling ME who is more likely to do it? Who the FUCK do you think you are? You told me to support this other person, to try and get her to talk when she doesn't want to? Here's a little bit for you... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP! IT's driving me up the fucking wall. I just don't know anything? OK? 2011 was meant to be the year that I was going to succeed... Instead it was the year that I failed EVERYTHING and have lost everything and everyone who has meant anything to me. I have no one to go 'home' to because I HAVE NO HOME!

Here's a little exercise. Imagine for a moment you have no family. Sure you were in foster care and sure you have a biological female 'parent' (bfp for short.) Now think about the fact that the bfp is the EPITOME of everything you don't want to be, yet you see yourself heading that way in any case. Now imagine not being able to contact your [EX] foster father because your [EX] foster mother hates your guts for no good reason, tells you that you're fat, tells your friend (who is bigger than you) that your spine is curving because you're so fat and your back can't support you; IN FRONT OF YOUR FOSTER SISTERS! Now imagine this same b**** doesn't allow you to talk to your foster siblings for six months because of a PHOTO, causing the once extremely strong bonds you once had to be broken. THAT is just the beginning. Now imagine you're at least 18hours away from these people, and everything else you've ever known. Imagine coming home from work every night to no one. Imagine not even being able to talk to your two best friends because they are going through enough as it is, finding out that some busy-body has found out more than you've told her about your private life and smashes your face into it. Imagine failing uni because you were juggling too much, then not being able to sleep because you're worried you're going to fail more; having NIGHTMARES about failing, then having them come true and come out looking like a total failure. Add to that being messed around by guys, humiliation because you made a fool of yourself more than once in front of someone you no longer 'like-like' because you drank too much trying to forget about all the shit going on. Throw into that the fact that you're best friends are going through hell because they've also been thrown massive curveballs to. Now, think about all this plus more going through your head at a thousand miles an hour and thinking you have someone to talk to, only to find out they've been telling the busy body and therefore you have to censor what you say to them as well. Add the fact that you've recently started going to see a counsellor after months of being told you should only to be told you need to go on anti-depressants to 'fill your dopamine cup back up.' Add to this the fact that you now feel completely worthless, that all social plans seem to be going nowhere and that the only person you've really socialised with (if you're completely honest) is leaving; for good. You're already anti-social because, let's face it, you're COMPLETELY socially awkward. Then to that mess, add the fact that you're on a leave of absence from your education because you failed the subjects, you have a depleting source of money, you spend most of your days alone until you head to work after having the bus service be an absolute pain in the arse (yet again.) Once you get there, you realise (and keep being reminded) how shit you are at what you do, how you wish you could apply for other jobs, but feel so incompetent that you really can't imagine succeeding at anything. Throw in wishing that random objects will suddenly fly past, harming you in some fashion, then realise that really, you have no one, you are nothing, you feel stuck, you hate waking up every morning wishing that you didn't have to because you have to find some way of making this day somewhat ok. Add to that total confusion about what you're going to study once you return to study in the new year. Also, because of the money issue, imagine pasta, rice noodles and canned tuna being your main food source, for multiple weeks because you really can't afford to go grocery shopping properly or even get take out. Even with all that, there's a whole lot of other stuff I haven't disclosed... fill in the gaps, then imagine some more lack of self confidence, some more loneliness, some more lack of ability and more wishing to be dead... then you might start to get an inkling about how things really are.

Before you judge others because of what you can see, step into their shoes for a while.

Finally; FUCK YOU!

Heart vs Brain vs reality(?)

Heart tells me I can be there for people, when they need or want; day or night. Whenever. Wherever.
Brain tells me I am capable, but not good enough for them; for anything.
Reality(?) tells me that I can try to help everyone else; but I'm stuck. I'm trying my best to be there for everyone else, and have done so for so long that I have forgotten how to actually look after myself; and in the process, forgotten how to help and care for the ones I'm closest to.

Heart tells me I have to get out, get exercise, lose weight, be who I want to be.
Brain tells me I'm not getting enough sleep. That I'm tired all of the time even though I've had more than enough sleep.
Reality tells me that I'm oversleeping because I can't get to sleep to begin with. I'm overcompensating for the failure of the rest of my life by sleeping too much once I do get to sleep.

Heart tells me to go for it. To build that relationship with him; the one that has been on and off in planning for years.
Brain tells me it's another risk. I could get hurt again and being hurt the way I am already isn't a good starting point. It's telling me I need to clear my mind, to get back to good. To be happy with myself again before I can expect to have anyone else love me for me.
Reality tells me that my brain is mostly right, but that I'm probably thinking too much and that I should just let it be.

My heart is with you, my brain is driving me crazy here fighting with my heart and reality is pushing it's disgusting path through my life; ruining every good thing that comes my way. Heart. Brain. Reality. Please find the center point of stabilisation between you, I don't know how much longer I can bare you three fighting. PS I missed two 11:11s on 11/11/11 on Australian time; I'm NOT going to miss either of them on NM time! <3 @ (R)

A couple of thank-yous...

Thank-you Frog for continually trying to convince me to get help, for at least three months before I finally made the call. Thank-you for also talking some sense into me, and for listening.

Thank-you to Antelope for being there. Thank-you for also trying to make me see that getting help isn't weak, and being the devil's advocate when I really needed you to be. Thank-you for making me dizzy today by swinging yourself on the swingy chair... It meant that I would actually laugh today. :) Thank-you for the most memorable road trip ever!

Thank-you to Wise One for giving me guidance emotionally, mentally and spiritually... and for keeping an eye on me when I really needed it! :D Thank-you for using your intuition to help me when even I didn't realise I needed it.

Thank-you Stallion for coming through.

Thanks guys!!

One spring morning...

...the little duck finally realised that she's been the but of the jokes for some time; and she's never going to get the last laugh.

---Of course nothing changes that quickly.
---She talks too much.
---She talks to much but doesn't speak enough.
---She's the played.
---She let's everything affect her too easily.
---I would NEVER be friends with someone like her.
---She follows the crowd too much.
---She's not good enough.
---She can't be trusted with work.
---She can't do ANYTHING right.
---She's fat.
---She's ugly.
---Who is she?





















She is me.

I actually...

...had a fantastic day today... I went to my appointment as planned, made an indigenous' woman's day, was remembered by someone who has a memory problem and had a great night at work! Yep, my day was made; over and over again...

...until I got home and realised I'm still being ignored; and couldn't get to sleep... AGAIN.

Just when you think you're close to knowing them; you realise just how much you don't...

Also; I totally LOVE feeling nausous,

Bleh.

Just a rant...

Love it. Love how people are always wanting me to have more nights off, particularly during the week, yet none of them could be bothered to do anything when I do actually get the night off. I work the days and the amount of work because I don't have anyone else to make the money for me. I work hard for little and am sick to death of people complaining when I work and can't spend time with them, for them only to be all antisocial when I actually get to have a week night off.


...and people think I'm anti-social. *Rolls eyes*

Trying SO hard...

...getting it all so damned wrong! God, where ARE you?!!?!?!?!?!? Please hold me so I don't feel alone all the time, so I don't cry EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. (multiple times per night.) Please remind me what I used to be like, before all of the nonsense.

On a more positive note: I actually got some constructive stuff done today. Washing, cleaning and getting myself out of bed at a [semi] reasonable hour. It's small but it's a step[?]

Soo...

...it's harder than it seems to tell someone something so hard? How do I start? Where do I start? How could I answer the questions that are inevitably brought forth afterward? I'd hate to see them hurt more than they already have been... I don't want to cause them more pain...

Just a note:

To the two people who I haven't yet told out of Frog, Stallion, Antelope, Firefox, Wise One and Baffles, I am sorry. Very sorry indeed. I have been wanting to tell you both, I promise that with all my heart (and yes, the stick a pin in my eye rhyme applies here) I have wanted to... so, so badly. You guys deserve to know why. You have both had so much more going on in your lives these past few months, and I'm sure it would hurt you both further to know what has been going through my horrible mind. You guys have been through enough, I don't want to burden you with my issues as well, that would seem almost selfish. I think though, I have to tell you both soon. I can't keep this from you both forever and I'm pretty sure at least one of you has begun to see past the facade I've had up these last few months. I don't want to hurt anymore; but I'd rather remain hurt than to see either of you two lovely ladies hurt more than you already are. My heart goes out to the two of you! You two give me hope beyond what anyone else has been able to give. You guys know me better than anyone and you don't deserve to have me hide this from you; but you also don't deserve to be worrying about me whilst you have enough of your own to deal with.

On another note: I started making positive musical playlists today in the hope that it will improve my mood slowly, on a day to day (In an almost indetectable way.) I want to be happy, so why does my brain keep telling me that I should have no hope, that I shouldn't be happy... It isn't fair (but then again, what in life truly is?)

Ways to stay well (From biteback.org)

• Do a healthy amount of exercise – this has been scientifically proven to help with depression. 
• Just like exercising your body, it is important to exercise your mind. Take an interest and learn about things that you have a curiosity for
• Read good books - read things that you enjoy and things that may cheer you or motivate you
• Write - perhaps keep a journal or consider other ways that you may be able to express your ideas and creativity
• Treat your ears – listen to music that makes you feel great and that you enjoy
• Create a mantra - speak well to yourself and remind yourself of the many positive, wonderful and admirable qualities that you possess. Make this your personal mantra and repeat often!
• Give your mind a break. Think of your brain as a hard drive on your computer. If you keep opening programs, open endless spam, turn it on and off constantly, it’s not surprising that it will sometimes crash. Take a few minutes to lie down and just focus on breathing, in, out, in, out, in, out….
• This one is simple….laugh whenever possible!
• Set do-able goals - it’s a great idea to set goals that are realistic and provide you with a target and something to work towards
• Help others - there are real benefits in helping others and deriving satisfaction and meaning from these acts
• Appreciate the little things like:
• The taste and smell of a hot buttered toast
• The sun on your face
• The warm water on your back in the shower
• The love and loyalty of pets
• Being in nature
• Eat healthy foods
• Get the right amount of sleep.

Time to get pumped...

Time to get myself back out of the dumps, out of the dark corners, out of the dimly lit comfortable place in which at least 90% of my thinking occurs.


Time to get energised, to get up and smell the beautiful spring air; to seize the day and enjoy it for all it offers.


Time to start thanking God for every new day rather than wishing I hadn't have woken at all.


Time to stop thinking about just me and to help those around me; to encourage them so they can see the beauty within themselves.

Another new blog? Wha...?

A blog of rantings, music, tips and advice I've found/recieved, inspirational quotes  and how I plan to implement more positivity into my life to [finally] get myself out of the messy web of thoughts and emotions that I've got myself buried into over the past three 20 years. I'm hoping to find myself in a much better position this time next year. By this time next year, I plan to:

• No longer be awake after midnight for more than two nights per week (Read: I will only allow myself to be awake after midnight for an absolute maximum of two nights per week.)
• Be able to keep my room tidy for at least five out of seven days of the week. (Read: I will clean as I go so that my room doesn't end up like a pigsty.)
• Be able to keep my washing either down to two loads per week or wash as soon as I have a load of washing to do. (Read: I will do my washing when it needs to be done, not wait until it reaches a point where I shudder to think about it.)
• Put away my washing as soon as it is dry. (Read: I will fold the clothes and put them in my drawers or put them on hangers, NOT leave them in baskets to chill for weeks on end.)

This is just the beginning. I am going to see the appropriate people and take the appropriate actions to get better. It's going to be a long hard road, but I am going to try. If not for me, then for at least antelope, firefox, baffles and frog. Taking the easy road out is not always the best option, and it hurts more people (Ie Flea's way of getting out hurt so many, and continues to do so;) therefore I will make the effort. After all, I don't want these people to hurt; they mean too much to me and are too valuable in their own rights to have to deal with something like what I've been contemplating.

Au revoir for now.

PS. Thank-you to the wise one for today; you've given me at least some hope, even though it sounds like a joke to me to be told that my life can be a fully happy one.

UPDATE: Re-reading that I realised how heavy it is for a first post; they aren't all going to be like this, I promise.