Ok

Why the hell am I seeing an increase in gossip, online and phone bullying and paying out? It's really starting to get on my nerves. If you're not willing to say something to someone's face, don't say it at all! This means that you shouldn't hide behind your computer/phone screens and make a huge deal out of something that could be sorted out over a simple conversation! Grow up people!

The End of a Chapter

Today I began the process of finishing off a chapter in my life; sure I'm going to miss it, but it's been coming for some time now, and it's taken me a while to get here; mainly because of fear of the unknown. Fear of how it would be to be in this position. Thankfully I am feeling relief rather than hurt about making this decision and am looking forward to what lies ahead; rather than worrying about what now lays in the past.

I pray that those who are still in this particular chapter of their lives find fulfilment and peace; and that they not just critically analyse the mistakes of themselves and others, but to also learn from them and ensure that these mistakes don't occur again.

For those who were with me at any stage throughout this chapter, thank-you. You've provided me with many good times (and a few bad ones) and people and experiences to learn with and from. I am going to miss you all; especially those who supported me, even for a little while.

Thank-you for having me.

Last night I had a conversation that I both wanted and didn't want to have. It's a conversation that was going to happen at some point and I'm glad the air is cleared now; well as much as can be expected under the circumstances. I thank you klok. Thank you for being so considerate when it seems that not many others can be. It wasn't just your fault; your words, thoughts and actions: I had the words, thoughts and actions too. It was mutual. I'm glad you haven't received what I have as consequences; it makes the whole situation seem at least a tiny bit better. You're a more genuine person than about three quarters of the population; please stay  genuine. Don't let this situation change that. Thank-you again. 

Morbid beginning, but stick to it; it gets much better!

By this time of the night three long years ago, my body (thanks to autonomy) saved me from death at my own hands.

Three years ago I was a seventeen year old of whom had just been broken up with by her first love. Assignments for my final year at high school were pouring in and piling up; and home life wasn't much better. I couldn't see a way out of that situation other than through death at that time. No, I wasn't being selfish. No, I wasn't doing it for attention; quite the opposite actually. I wanted to disappear from everyone's lives to make it easier on them all. Three years later, I'm still alive.

Sure I'm going through quite a rough patch (especially with what happened a few weeks ago,)  sure I miss some of the people I have called my friends within the last few years due to the fact they are no longer so (no this doesn't include USA friend because I haven't lost her;) and sure I may be financially challenged at the moment because the government agency who is supposed to be paying me is too busy to even tell it's customers the truth; but right now, there is no way in the world that I would want to leave this world.

Just thinking over all of the last four years in my head this weekend (and the keeping busy to avoid thinking too much about it) I have seen just how different I am as a person now. Intrinsically, I'm still the same. I care too much about others and what they think. I worry constantly about everything (though now to a much lesser extent.) I believe there is a God out there who is there to love, create, amend, challenge, and forgive us and everything else in the world.

I miss a lot at the moment; but I am also loving my life. When I'm at work, I'm focussed solely on work. When I'm at home, I am either cleaning, singing, dancing like an idiot, studying, praying or just chilling. When I'm at uni I'm either studying or mildly socialising while studying. At the moment, I love that even though my finances may be stretched, I still have food, a roof over my head, a car, an education that I'm passionately enjoying and studying, and the most awesome housemates in all of history.

I love the fact that even though some pretty bad things happened a few weeks ago I still have really awesome friends in this city, in the southern area of this state and overseas. I love that at the moment there will be spontaneous outbursts of rain (and music in my head;) or spontaneous music playing (with rain in my head,) and whatever other combination you can think of between the two. I love the fact that I am now in contact with an older biological sibling of mine and that she is one of the loveliest people around. I love that my bedroom smells of lavendar and sweet orange and that at least half of my room is dark parisian in style.

I love that I've found prayer to be the thing that allows me to step in other people's shoes and see how they saw the situation a few weeks ago. Yes, it made me feel how badly I hurt them, but it was also a valuable tool in allowing myself to begin my healing process; and to begin the process of forgiving myself for that situation. I love that there is a mass at uni every Sunday night where young people can come to mass and be within each others' company whilst spending  time in prayer, worship and reconciliation. I love that there are regular events for young Catholics in the diocese to come together for social and/or prayerful events. I love that my church is open all week during the day and that I can spend as much time as I want or need in there; as often as I want.

It is often said that it is the moment after the point when you're about to give up that things start looking up. If anyone has had experience with this, it's me. I have lost count of how many times this has happened. Whether it be life, work, uni, school or any other thing that pops up; the same still rings true: keep going past that point where  you want to just give it up; there is something just around the corner to make you glad you didn't.

I wish everyone all the love, happiness, grace, challenges (they open the doors for you in many ways) faith and hope in the world. You all deserve it.

~Live, Laugh, Love, Believe.

Just something I've learnt in the last few weeks...

Sometimes, the most spontaneous of events are the worst for us; other times, they are for the best. Discerning your thoughts, words and actions at these times is important: Take the wrong path and you suffer more than you could have imagined; take the right one and everything seems to light up in a way that you may have never experienced before. Be spontaneous but be careful. Not too careful though; doing that means you miss out on opportunities and may lose friends.