Worst New Years Eve... EVER!!!

I'm anti-social because I'm scared of what people think of me, and I don't want to make an idiot of myself.

If I have an idea to organise something and someone who knows about it decides they want a change of location; I think I should be a little offended: is my house or who I am not good enough for you?

If I'm sad around a particular person and chirpy around others, it means that the person I'm sad around knows the real me; I don't have to mask, charade, act or whatever else happy around them, because I feel like I can be myself around them.

If I criticise myself all the time around people, it's because that is EXACTLY what I think of myself.

If I am quiet, it's because I feel that anything I say will be criticised to a point where I can't take it anymore. I can't bear to think about what people say about me when I think so badly of myself.

What you think is the act; that is me. What you think is real; isn't. Only if you know the real me, and I have let you see that will you realise that my chirpiness is an act, so others don't ask questions and get information on things I don't want them to know about.

I hate attention seekers, can't stand them. Please don't ever tell me I'm one because I'm really not.

I'm hurting more than anyone knows. It's worse now than it was before I started getting help. Now it's New Years Eve, I'm home alone crying because my friends have given up on me and I've given up fighting myself, others and the world.

I'm fighting my demons even harder now than ever, with no more support because I've apparently run it dry.

If people saw me in the moments I'm alone, they'd know exactly how bad this is. I'm sick of gut-wrenching tears. Sick of not feeling like I'm worth it for anyone.

I'm trying my best; please see that. 

The best end to 2011...

Today was the day. The day I finally found out what it feels like to be truly alone and lonely in life. It was supposed to be a great day; now it's a complete shambles. I've hurt one of my very best friends, and she was one of the last I had. Now, I have no family here to comfort me and no friends closer than 500km away that I can talk to. Even my housemates have gone out of town for New Years so I am literally home, alone and lonely as ever. It's really my fault I have no one. I can never say the right thing, stick around long enough, put in enough effort or be understanding enough and now I'm the one suffering for it. I'm sorry to those I've hurt and hope that in time, things will be ok again.

Nice way to bring in the New Year, huh?

I'm going to have a Happy New Year. :/

P.S. I really am sorry, I didn't mean for it to turn out this way...

It's supposed to be...

just another day for me in paradise...

But I'm sick, tired, hurt, hot, lethargic, broke, bored, lonely and losing weight without trying.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving the fact I'm losing weight, I just don't like everything else in the prior sentence.

Bleh.

Some inspiration...

...for when eating healthy and keeping fit seem to be just a chore...

From: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_luh7igG6pt1r1u0gno1_r1_500.png

From: http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lwotvq7GYV1qczqexo1_400.jpg

Success is my willingness to keep trying.
~Unknown.

  

...

The last few days I have been unbelieveably either angry or sad or both; and I can't figure out why. I've been taking my meds as I should and things are going well generally, I just can't figure it out. I just want to scream. To cry and to scream and to have a[n actually really decent] guy [who isn't some kind of freak] to hold me and explain the logic to me and make me feel better. I'm having so much trouble trying to keep happy and I don't know why. 

I don't know why...

... but the last few days I've felt really shit. Sometimes I can pick out tiny reasons why I might be feeling this way; but then the feeling continues for longer than it should and y the end of the day I'm left feeling like I wished I hadn't woken up.

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!

Business at the shops over the last couple of weeks has risen quite a bit; which means busy nights for the staff, and in particular, the drivers. I haven't not had a busy night of deliveries in well over a week, which has been awesome! I enjoy busy nights, the shifts go fast, there is always something to do, and the best bit? I get to drive, with whatever music I want on, in air-conditioned comfort, in a company car fueled up with company money! Woohoo!

Now don't get me wrong here, my job isn't all fun and games. I don't go crusin' wherever I want, or for as long as I want. There are deadlines and specific places to go and I must get the orders correct, deal with traffic issues and be responsible for someone else's car and money. If people's deliveries are wrong or are cold or late; I'm the person they see. I'm the person who they see as the company for that particular night. I'm a representative of a company, I need to act, re-act and behave accordingly.

When I'm driving around, being busy but being 'chilled' at the same time; a lot of this circles on your mind; as well as the trivialities of the day. What did so-and-so mean when they said this? Why was that other person looking at me like that for? Was changing my hair colour really a good idea? Do I need to get more colouring to make it look better? Should I have cut my fringe the way I did? Have I eaten healthy enough today? How much exercise have I done today and is it enough? What if my car gets broken into again? Will I hear it's alarm if it does? Am I too fat? Am I too lazy? All of these things that seem so tiny and so [almost] unimportant add up during the day and after a busy night, you tend to go home wondering why you didn't do better. Why you didn't act on your better judgement. You might even begin asking yourself whether tomorrow is worth another shot after thinking all of this over, and also circling all of the trivialities and questions from days gone by.

How is it then that I get through busy nights, you may ask. Simple. On busy nights all of these thoughts are condensed and filtered. On a busy night all I tend to think about is the music, the driving, the orders, how long it is going to take to deliver each order, which route will be the best and how long is it going to take to clear all of the deliveries out of the shop, successfully. It is usually on these nights that I have the ability to attain the goal of a[n] [semi] early night with a [somewhat] good night sleep. Why? Because I have been so busy being worried mostly about my job that night that I haven't had time to think about the small things that, in the long run, really aren't all that important.

I have realised something in the last few days that I haven't realised in a while; keeping myself busy is the most sure-fire way of helping myself to get better. Less time to think about insignificant matters and questions that really don't need an answer yet means that I am less worried and less like to criticise myself to an extent where I get extremely upset about anything and everything. I love busy nights! It means I have a lot to do, I am distracted from criticising myself for too long, and it means I have a goal (or five) to work towards. Busy, busy, busy is fun, fun, FUN!!!

Right now...

...it's all 'I don't want to's and almost zero 'I want to's. Booking an appointment with Rebecca on Nonday; I can't let this get any worse.

You know you live a truly stupid and sad life when....

... even working at a job you hate, on the worst day of the week to work would be a HUGE improvement on your life. FUCK THIS SHIT!

... when you're told by one of your friends that she is going to send you home because you are at work on your first day off after working ten days in a row because it's unhealthy to want to be at work that much. Why do I want to be at work? I know I'm good at least some of the things I do there; it gives me time to socialise because I really don't have that many other friends to 'chill' or 'hang' with; it is somewhere that I can go to concentrate on things in a way that I can't when I'm at home or anywhere else.

UPDATE: This was actually written in parts a while ago... It just took me a while to fully post it.
8th November 2011.
13th December 2011.

Some days are just meant to be hard.

I didn't even want to get out of bed. I only got out of bed because I knew I had to work. I cancelled my hair appointment, I watched tv longer than I wanted to, I've been angry or upset; ALL day... I don't even know why. All I know is my sleep is suffering because I'm so scared of getting broken into again, because I'm afraid to put myself out there in case I look like a slut or a try hard, because I go home every night to no one. No sisters, no brothers, no mum, no dad, no partner, no one. I hate it. HATE IT!

It feels like I might as well not even be taking the antidepressants. I'm back to feeling as horrible as I did before I went to the counsellor or the doctor. I don't want it to be Christmas. I don't want to be spending it with people who aren't my family; who invited me to theirs for Christmas. Who, I'm sure, only did invited me because they felt sorry for me.

I don't want to be this person. I don't want to feel so down. I don't want my life to be a series of negatives. I don't want to feel so awkward around people. I don't want to be here right now. I want to give the rest of my life to my foster mum who is suffering from breast cancer; who deserves to be here more than me. I wish she were here right now. I miss her like crazy.

Yep, today has been one of those days. 

...but it becomes easier when...

...you look for the small things in life that make...

Beautiful dresses

Cute kiddie rides that are modelled on the awesomeness of the old VW beetles

Cheap foreign snacks that remind you of one of your best friends

Sport; or just things that bring back awesome  memories that you never EVER want to forget.

Things that make you realise the advice you give is the advice you've been longing to hear.

Brilliance in the midst of awesomeness

Simple beauty.

Unique sunrises

Things that bring "Oh my gosh she would love this!"  to your mind

Funny little verbs

Things that people give you that influence you more than they realise. Awesome music.

Nature.

...it all worth while...

And so is helping those close to you...

...because you don't want to intrude their space, but you also want to help them in any way possible. Maybe studying social work will help me get there?

Can't deny it!

Today (November 20) has been one of those really trying days. Don't get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed the day as well; but it was very trying and tiring all the same.

The day started off at 0715. I'd had two hours of sleep and would have quite easily gone back to bed, but alas; I had the self control to get up and head to church with Antelope for our last mass together before she moves back home. It began to hit home that today would be the day that I would finally have my own car!!! (WOOOHOOO!!!) It also meant though that today would be a day for a hard goodbye; a hard goodbye to easily the most fantastic Antelope anyone could wish to have.

Off we went to church at 0745 in the morning. Today was the first anniversary since the day I (finally) got fully initiated into the Catholic church. It was also a day where we got to watch six Alter servers become inducted as such and a day where the church also said farewell to Antelope. Other than those few differences, the service and the morning tea afterward were pretty much the norm. I started work at noon. Before and between my work shifts, though, I helped Antelope with the last of her packing, as well as vacuuming out Lav-Lav. To describe how it felt? Anticipation for a goodbye, but having fun rather than tearing up.

Work was pretty much the norm until one particular furniture store (which will remain unnamed for the sake of their reputation; even though I will be recommending people to not go there in the future in any case.) From the moment these people enquired into the price of a few pizzas until the moment I stormed out of their shop, the staff of the furniture store were extremely, unnecessarily rude and difficult. When quoted the price of the pizzas, they complained and asked for a discount. When given the normal discount, they continued complaining about the price even though a delivery surcharge hadn't been included in their order (a normally mandatory surcharge) and they had been given heavily discounted prices on their pizzas. When they were called back because the details provided for payment were incorrect; not one but two of the employees from said furniture shop were unbelievably rude and were annoyed when asked to confirm the details; of which they had provided not one but TWO wrong details. Just when we thought that the situation couldn't have gotten any worse, when the pizzas were delivered to them, they left me standing there for at least five minutes and only came to get their pizzas (though I was in full view of the both of them) after I dropped my keys on the counter. They proceeded to be rude when I greeted them with a positive attitude and a smile. After the person behind the counter was asked to sign for the delivery, he grunted, signed what he needed to and snatched the pizzas. All in all, this delivery was easily one of the top ten worst deliveries that I've experienced. I forgot about it though (well, mostly anyhow) when I returned to work where there were delicious choc-chip cookies made by Frog.

Maccas orders gone totally wrong then totally right.


http://www.rainymood.com/

Because, as we all know... Rain is my favourite!!!


NOTE THIS POST WAS STARTED ON 20TH NOVEMBER and I posted it now because I'm probably never going to finish it other wise. Love to all!!

The awesomeness of friends and great housemates!!

I couldn't have made the last few weeks without them. I mean sure, a couple of them are from work, one has gone back home to America, one is in Europe and another is about to return home to New Zealand for the holidays; but these guys have made my life in the last few weeks go from absolutely terrible to, well, awesome! There have been many times that these people have helped me out of sticky situations and I will always be thankful to them for that; especially in the last six to eight weeks.

The last six to eight weeks (as you know if you've been reading this particular blog) have been rather hard. A couple of the more major events have been trying to decide which degree to do once I return to study in the new year, one of my best friends leaving, finally getting a car, having my car broken into after only three weeks of having owned it and finally getting help for something that has been affecting me for more than just a few months. It's been an emotional and physical rollercoaster (with out the fun of an actual rollercoaster.) Honestly, if I didn't care so much about these people, I wouldn't be here right now; (You know me, always caring more about everyone else than myself.)
Don't get me wrong, the rollercoaster is far from over, but the last six to eight weeks of it are over and these people are here for me; and for that, I'm glad.

An anagram of stare...

I just want to cry. To be able to cry to let all this tension, anxiety, disappointment and self-hate out. Tonight I burnt my wrist on the oven as I walked past it and wanted to cover it up to begin with. I then decided to wash the dishes in the most beautifully hot water which meant it hurt quite a lot for a while before I couldn't feel the pain anymore; damn.

I can't surprise anyone, I can't confide in anyone without it getting around, I can't bear the cramps this medication is giving me. What else is this medication doing? Sure it's making my dopamine levels go up, but that doesn't mean I don't feel low. I want to cry. I want my sisters here with me so I can take them shopping and surprise them with Christmas gifts. I want my best friends back here with me.

And here they come... tears: you are welcome. Thank-you!

Just a thought...

Life is complicated. Sure, it may be simple to observe at a situation and assume that the complication is resolved then and there, but what about the confusion, anger, sadness, joy or other emotions that have been stirred within each individual's thought? Every one of the 7(?) billion plus people living on Earth today have different thought processes and react to every action in a different way, which makes it difficult to ascertain where exactly a person stands or what they are feeling or thinking at any particular given time unless they tell you exactly what they think. Even then, they may leave gaps in what they say to protect the audience or another party involved in the situation. This is why we should always be careful about how we, ourselves react or what we say or do in a particular situation.

What we say or how we act or react may send signals we don't realise we are sending and confuse the given situation to an extent where some may be angry, puzzled or simply thinking 'What?!' I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you have an issue with some thing or someone, talk about it with them. Explain what is going on in your own mind (Even if you find it hard like I do to explain things exactly how they are.) The more you do this, the easier it becomes for not only you to explain the situation as you see it and the easier it becomes for others to discuss the situation with you and for them to talk about the situation from their perspective. Let's make a complicated thing more simple shall we?

All I CAN say right now is...

FUCK!