Ok, so what if this blog has become ranty? It's the only place I seem to be able to do so, or even say what I think for that matter without getting judged, getting in trouble or looking like a total idiot.

To the person who has been ignoring me of late. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sick to death about being confused about where I stand with you. I put up with so much, but when I'm the one getting alienated for I don't even know what reason, then it's time to put my foot down. You know what? If you have a problem with me tell me to my face instead of making me feel like I don't belong where I should. If it's still to do with that letter you sent me, I thought that was all sorted out when you said for me to disregard it and that it was just a rant. I didn't disregard it, I used it as feedback and am trying as hard as I fucking well can to make myself better; so that people can't even get a glimpse of someone that isn't me (because apparently they've been seeing a person who I am, BUT REALLY AM NOT!) Here's the deal, I'm cool to forgive and forget, I've always been like that, but only as long as I know EXACTLY what this is and why this has been going for so much longer than it needed to. That letter seemed like you were trying to make me upset, well it's only worked a little because honestly, I'm confused and I'm just letting it go. I needed my little rant and now it's finished.

To the person I always seem to be helping: I am sick of the whole getting phone calls saying 'Hey can you get this for me?' Only to be told subtly to leave promptly after I deliver what you want. Tell you what; this keeps happening, I'm not going to keep doing it. I'm glad to help out friends, but lately it seems as though you've been making it hard to be friends and honestly, I'm feeling just a bit over-used by you. I cried on the way home tonight to think that you might be keeping me where you are so you can get what you want. It's only going to last a little longer if you keep going at it the way you are.

To BOTH of the above persons, please stop making me feel like I don't belong at the place you both know I'm talking about. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to be gotten rid of for the tiniest little things. I'm sick  of not knowing how to talk to you both. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job of trying to be a good friend, when in reality I've been doing the bloody best I can. If you could see how much I've grown in the last month or so. How happy I am generally these days other than in one place; how hard I've been trying to be the person you guys seem to want me to be.

I'm here for you both, but I can't keep being treated the way I am either. Please take this into consideration. I love you BOTH as friends so damned much and I feel horrible for writing this blogpost even, but I feel that something needs to be said before things turn any more sour than they are. I miss having you guys as great friends; what is standing in the way? <3

Update: I don't feel the same way as I did in paragraph three and four anymore. 

Kinda just a little bit (or a lot) confused. That is all.

Pros and Cons...

Pro: Pedicures, Sushi and other fun stuffs with Owl today.
Con: Had to work. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't the best night either.
Pro: Watching Buffy Marathons
Con: Not being able to wake up in the morning; follwed by a long stint of tirednes and other stuffs before the cycle starts again.
Pro: Weight training at home, getting fit again and losing the fatsness.
Con: Not being able to do this (most nights) before 11pm.
Pro: Excited about going back to uni.
Con: Shit scared.
Pro: I'm feeling better than I was this time last year.
Con: Only marginally.
Pro: Single, young and free.
Con: Single, lonely and getting older.
Pro: Sleep.
Con: Trying to achieve the act of sleeping.
Pro: I'm going to try to only take notice of the pros in this list.
Con: It's going to be damned hard.
Pro: But I CAN do it! I know I can!!!

This was not meant to be this way...

As you probably know by now, since just before my car got broken into, I hit a point and just went downhill. It's been a really rough few weeks to be honest. For the most part, nobody actually realises that this has happened. I'm chirpy and bubbly and try to be as fun as I can around most people in order to avoid questioning and to just get through the day. The only people I am not like this around are the people I trust to let myself be me around. I'm trying, but it's been getting harder to get better.

I'm a quiet person in groups, that's how I've always been. I was taught as a kid to be seen and not heard, and have continued to stand by this as an adult to try and hide my awkwardness in larger social situations. I'm scared of what people think of me and because of this, I'd rather not do or say anything that may humiliate me or make me feel like a total idiot. I feel that it is better to be thought a fool and say nothing than to speak out and leave no doubt.

Which leads me to my next point, I don't say what I think of people because I don't want people to be on edge around me; and I am not critical of anyone other than myself. You might think this sounds crazy but here's my logic behind this. So many people that I get along with complain about each other an immense amount. It quite honestly makes me sad, and I think 'Well, if they are talking about other people like this, what is it do they really think of me?' Sure I may be annoyed at someone for a particular reason for a little bit, but a couple of hours later I'm over it. If I talk to people about these petty little things, then I worry it will blow up out of proportion and become a mountain instead of the molehill that it was originally.  I tear myself up about the stupidest little things, and half the time I play cool so people don't realise that I'm hating on myself for something stupid that I've either said, thought or done. Why bring other people in on it or criticise anyone else if I can't get what I say, think or do right?

Also if someone is bagging another person out, I try to stay quiet or be as positive about the other person as possible. Why? Again, because I don't want a mountain to be made out of a mole hill. If someone is having a rant, then sure, I'll listen and understand. If I can't understand, then I will try my very best to. But that certainly doesn't mean I will rag out on the other person. I try to remain quiet most of the time when this does happen for two reasons; (a) because I don't want to be a devil's advocate and (b) because quite often all I'm thinking about the other person are positive thoughts and I don't want the other person to think, 'Well, she's not really listening, oh well.' Trying to stay neutral or positive about people is what makes me, me. I care about others much more than myself and I would do anything for those people; anything to ensure they are ok.

I care so much about other people that I often let things go that shouldn't be, which is why it surprises me when people tell me that they think I'm taking advantage of them. Seriously? Just because I'm upset because I think no one wants to be around me, then a couple of days later I feel really sick, try to get someone to replace my shift, but can't get anyone to. I then head to work anyway because I don't want to leave people in the lurch; where for half the night I'm *the next few words should be skipped by Antelope* dry-reaching, but trying to hide it and fight it so I can continue to do my job as I should. Where by the end of the night I'm absolutely wrecked and can hardly find it within me to move, let alone anything else. I wake up the next morning still feeling unwell, extremely tired and had to get up relatively early to head to work. I send a message to someone saying that they could have a particular event at theirs because I would probably end up going home to bed after I finished work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that night and didn't want to be a last-minute ditcher. Instead of anything at all positive, I get a message back saying something to the effect of 'Seriously? Whatever.' By this time I was at work (early as usual) and hid away, out of sight, crying until I had to shut away the tears for a few hours so I could work and help out the other person who was a lot more sick than I was.

I get a message after I get home speculating that I'd been attention-seeking, advantage-taking, manipulating as well as a lot of very hurtful things. To shorten the story a little, that was New Years Eve, I've tried admitting my ACTUAL wrongs, I've tried apologising for saying that I might not go because I was feeling sick and tired, I've tried dropping by and I have tried asking to shout for coffee. It is now the second of January and still nothing. I cried for hours from the time I got home from work on New Years Eve until I fell asleep at around four in the morning; after finally crying myself to sleep. Trust me, you never want to EVER spend New Years Eve, alone, crying. Feeling like you have no friends or no family. I've been crying on and off for the last couple of days because I don't know what to do about it now. I can't believe what I've been accused of, let alone who actually accused me. I guess I will just keep on cleaning, washing, watching movies, crying, listening to music and spending more time alone, because let's face it; APPARENTLY I deserve it. Whatever.

Also to make it completely clear, I don't want pity. I don't want to be taken care of by everyone; I can do that myself. All I want is understanding and not to be told that I've been or that I am something I'm not. Speculators, stop your shit, find out the facts first. Don't sprout unless you know everything about a situation. Actually; don't sprout at all, it just makes you look bad. I don't want it to go on any longer. I've begun a happy journal, I've begun a daily to do list journal and I've begun to try be as happy as possible. I'm doing my best, please understand that. I want this to be all sorted out, properly.