As you probably know by now, since just before my car got broken into, I hit a point and just went downhill. It's been a really rough few weeks to be honest. For the most part, nobody actually realises that this has happened. I'm chirpy and bubbly and try to be as fun as I can around most people in order to avoid questioning and to just get through the day. The only people I am not like this around are the people I trust to let myself be me around. I'm trying, but it's been getting harder to get better.
I'm a quiet person in groups, that's how I've always been. I was taught as a kid to be seen and not heard, and have continued to stand by this as an adult to try and hide my awkwardness in larger social situations. I'm scared of what people think of me and because of this, I'd rather not do or say anything that may humiliate me or make me feel like a total idiot. I feel that it is better to be thought a fool and say nothing than to speak out and leave no doubt.
Which leads me to my next point, I don't say what I think of people because I don't want people to be on edge around me; and I am not critical of anyone other than myself. You might think this sounds crazy but here's my logic behind this. So many people that I get along with complain about each other an immense amount. It quite honestly makes me sad, and I think 'Well, if they are talking about other people like this, what is it do they really think of me?' Sure I may be annoyed at someone for a particular reason for a little bit, but a couple of hours later I'm over it. If I talk to people about these petty little things, then I worry it will blow up out of proportion and become a mountain instead of the molehill that it was originally. I tear myself up about the stupidest little things, and half the time I play cool so people don't realise that I'm hating on myself for something stupid that I've either said, thought or done. Why bring other people in on it or criticise anyone else if I can't get what I say, think or do right?
Also if someone is bagging another person out, I try to stay quiet or be as positive about the other person as possible. Why? Again, because I don't want a mountain to be made out of a mole hill. If someone is having a rant, then sure, I'll listen and understand. If I can't understand, then I will try my very best to. But that certainly doesn't mean I will rag out on the other person. I try to remain quiet most of the time when this does happen for two reasons; (a) because I don't want to be a devil's advocate and (b) because quite often all I'm thinking about the other person are positive thoughts and I don't want the other person to think, 'Well, she's not really listening, oh well.' Trying to stay neutral or positive about people is what makes me, me. I care about others much more than myself and I would do anything for those people; anything to ensure they are ok.
I care so much about other people that I often let things go that shouldn't be, which is why it surprises me when people tell me that they think I'm taking advantage of them. Seriously? Just because I'm upset because I think no one wants to be around me, then a couple of days later I feel really sick, try to get someone to replace my shift, but can't get anyone to. I then head to work anyway because I don't want to leave people in the lurch; where for half the night I'm *the next few words should be skipped by Antelope* dry-reaching, but trying to hide it and fight it so I can continue to do my job as I should. Where by the end of the night I'm absolutely wrecked and can hardly find it within me to move, let alone anything else. I wake up the next morning still feeling unwell, extremely tired and had to get up relatively early to head to work. I send a message to someone saying that they could have a particular event at theirs because I would probably end up going home to bed after I finished work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that night and didn't want to be a last-minute ditcher. Instead of anything at all positive, I get a message back saying something to the effect of 'Seriously? Whatever.' By this time I was at work (early as usual) and hid away, out of sight, crying until I had to shut away the tears for a few hours so I could work and help out the other person who was a lot more sick than I was.
I get a message after I get home speculating that I'd been attention-seeking, advantage-taking, manipulating as well as a lot of very hurtful things. To shorten the story a little, that was New Years Eve, I've tried admitting my ACTUAL wrongs, I've tried apologising for saying that I might not go because I was feeling sick and tired, I've tried dropping by and I have tried asking to shout for coffee. It is now the second of January and still nothing. I cried for hours from the time I got home from work on New Years Eve until I fell asleep at around four in the morning; after finally crying myself to sleep. Trust me, you never want to EVER spend New Years Eve, alone, crying. Feeling like you have no friends or no family. I've been crying on and off for the last couple of days because I don't know what to do about it now. I can't believe what I've been accused of, let alone who actually accused me. I guess I will just keep on cleaning, washing, watching movies, crying, listening to music and spending more time alone, because let's face it; APPARENTLY I deserve it. Whatever.
Also to make it completely clear, I don't want pity. I don't want to be taken care of by everyone; I can do that myself. All I want is understanding and not to be told that I've been or that I am something I'm not. Speculators, stop your shit, find out the facts first. Don't sprout unless you know everything about a situation. Actually; don't sprout at all, it just makes you look bad. I don't want it to go on any longer. I've begun a happy journal, I've begun a daily to do list journal and I've begun to try be as happy as possible. I'm doing my best, please understand that. I want this to be all sorted out, properly.
I'm a quiet person in groups, that's how I've always been. I was taught as a kid to be seen and not heard, and have continued to stand by this as an adult to try and hide my awkwardness in larger social situations. I'm scared of what people think of me and because of this, I'd rather not do or say anything that may humiliate me or make me feel like a total idiot. I feel that it is better to be thought a fool and say nothing than to speak out and leave no doubt.
Which leads me to my next point, I don't say what I think of people because I don't want people to be on edge around me; and I am not critical of anyone other than myself. You might think this sounds crazy but here's my logic behind this. So many people that I get along with complain about each other an immense amount. It quite honestly makes me sad, and I think 'Well, if they are talking about other people like this, what is it do they really think of me?' Sure I may be annoyed at someone for a particular reason for a little bit, but a couple of hours later I'm over it. If I talk to people about these petty little things, then I worry it will blow up out of proportion and become a mountain instead of the molehill that it was originally. I tear myself up about the stupidest little things, and half the time I play cool so people don't realise that I'm hating on myself for something stupid that I've either said, thought or done. Why bring other people in on it or criticise anyone else if I can't get what I say, think or do right?
Also if someone is bagging another person out, I try to stay quiet or be as positive about the other person as possible. Why? Again, because I don't want a mountain to be made out of a mole hill. If someone is having a rant, then sure, I'll listen and understand. If I can't understand, then I will try my very best to. But that certainly doesn't mean I will rag out on the other person. I try to remain quiet most of the time when this does happen for two reasons; (a) because I don't want to be a devil's advocate and (b) because quite often all I'm thinking about the other person are positive thoughts and I don't want the other person to think, 'Well, she's not really listening, oh well.' Trying to stay neutral or positive about people is what makes me, me. I care about others much more than myself and I would do anything for those people; anything to ensure they are ok.
I care so much about other people that I often let things go that shouldn't be, which is why it surprises me when people tell me that they think I'm taking advantage of them. Seriously? Just because I'm upset because I think no one wants to be around me, then a couple of days later I feel really sick, try to get someone to replace my shift, but can't get anyone to. I then head to work anyway because I don't want to leave people in the lurch; where for half the night I'm *the next few words should be skipped by Antelope* dry-reaching, but trying to hide it and fight it so I can continue to do my job as I should. Where by the end of the night I'm absolutely wrecked and can hardly find it within me to move, let alone anything else. I wake up the next morning still feeling unwell, extremely tired and had to get up relatively early to head to work. I send a message to someone saying that they could have a particular event at theirs because I would probably end up going home to bed after I finished work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that night and didn't want to be a last-minute ditcher. Instead of anything at all positive, I get a message back saying something to the effect of 'Seriously? Whatever.' By this time I was at work (early as usual) and hid away, out of sight, crying until I had to shut away the tears for a few hours so I could work and help out the other person who was a lot more sick than I was.
I get a message after I get home speculating that I'd been attention-seeking, advantage-taking, manipulating as well as a lot of very hurtful things. To shorten the story a little, that was New Years Eve, I've tried admitting my ACTUAL wrongs, I've tried apologising for saying that I might not go because I was feeling sick and tired, I've tried dropping by and I have tried asking to shout for coffee. It is now the second of January and still nothing. I cried for hours from the time I got home from work on New Years Eve until I fell asleep at around four in the morning; after finally crying myself to sleep. Trust me, you never want to EVER spend New Years Eve, alone, crying. Feeling like you have no friends or no family. I've been crying on and off for the last couple of days because I don't know what to do about it now. I can't believe what I've been accused of, let alone who actually accused me. I guess I will just keep on cleaning, washing, watching movies, crying, listening to music and spending more time alone, because let's face it; APPARENTLY I deserve it. Whatever.
Also to make it completely clear, I don't want pity. I don't want to be taken care of by everyone; I can do that myself. All I want is understanding and not to be told that I've been or that I am something I'm not. Speculators, stop your shit, find out the facts first. Don't sprout unless you know everything about a situation. Actually; don't sprout at all, it just makes you look bad. I don't want it to go on any longer. I've begun a happy journal, I've begun a daily to do list journal and I've begun to try be as happy as possible. I'm doing my best, please understand that. I want this to be all sorted out, properly.
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