Yeah, some times it's harder than it looks...

...but you've got to keep trying.

All this hard work, running, walking, dancing, working harder, eating better trying to keep a good schedule, trying to make my financial situation better, pretending I'm ok, trying to forget the weekend I wish had never happened and still my BMI is too high. Still I can't go a day without breaking down. Still I'm ok with parts of me but not others. Still I'm Still I can't remove the memories I don't want to remember because they hurt too much.

So 22.9 should be eighteen... just gotta keep on going!

Goodbye to you

Why didn't I kiss you at the parties?

I was afraid that I'd enjoy it too much; but more importantly, I was afraid I'd lose your friendship. It's too late for that now.

Goodbye to you. 

Days like these are pure awesome!

A visit to a reef-themed aquarium; fun with the housemates' nephews and nieces at the water park after fish and chips; an afternoon of swimming, delicious tea and conversation by the pool with children playing and splashing around; a steady night at work with a decent amount of tips; giving people lifts. All in all, a fantastic day <3

Buggered now, but it was worth every moment!

Yep, today has also reiterated the fact that yes, social work is definitely for me! <3

I can do this. I can. I can! I CAN!

Pumped for my first semester of studying Social Work!!! The materials I have been reading, and the lectures I went to this week have been awesome so far, so I can't wait to see what's next!

Sure I've had a couple of relatively big bumps in the road this week, but I can get over them. I am smart, I am fit, I am healthy and can do what ever it is I set my mind to!

Right now I deserve to be thrown out on the street. I can't seem to do right by my friends, my sleep is suffering (again) and I don't want my life to be given to me on a platter. I deserve to be fired, I deserve to have everything of value taken off of me. I mean how bad of a person must I be to have lost someone as good as you? How bad must I be to be continually on the bottom end of the roller-coaster with an allowance of only a couple of weeks of true happiness every few months?

Fuck.

Then there's what happened on the weekend. After that, I deserve to have no one ever talk to me again; to ignore everything I say or do. Yes, it was that bad. Am I guilty and regretful? I most certainly am.

Numb. Painfully numb. Today I lost a great friend. Who am I kidding. I lost her before this year began. Try as I might to give all I could despite all else, it wasn't enough. You are still around but you made it clear you don't want to be friends anymore. I have missed you the last couple of months and will continue to, but I understand you want ad little to do with me as possible and I respect your wishes. I will always be here, thick or thin. Please know that. At least now I know where I stand.

Goodbye dear frog. Good bye and good luck.

Sweet Asylum on we heart it / visual bookmark #23623814

Seeing this after the day's events... Made me want to curl up on the floor and scream and cry; but I didn't. I think I'm getting too used to pain to even feel it enough anymore.

At least this way I won't hurt as much...


Sweet Asylum on we heart it / visual bookmark #23623814

Ashamed

Written on 21-02-2012:

I did something terrible on the weekend; something I am more than ashamed about. I am guilt-ridden and regretful; to a point. I can't believe I did that. If I had the opportunity again though would I do the same thing? Probably. Why? Because it felt like exactly the right decision at the time. Would I change it though so people wouldn't have been hurt or felt betrayed? You betcha!

Now, before you start asking questions about what I could have possibly done that was that bad; let me tell you that I'm not going to tell you what happened; only what I feel. As I thought about it, I realised that unless I brought some structure to it, what I would say would make it completely clear. Instead I have chosen a few extracts from Anastasia's 'Left Outside Alone' as a structural (and albeit connotational) reference point. Here goes!

Left broken, empty in despair:
After so much had gone wrong so quickly, I felt broken, lost, alone. NYE I was alone, empty and completely miserable (again because of a choice I made that turned out to apparently not be quite right) and full of despair because that night; I had no one. I'd pushed everyone away.

Want to breathe, can't find air:
I try to get back up, to start running along the jumbled masses of pathways paved through my mind, but I can't breathe. I want to, but without support, with a broken and bruised shell and an inside that resembled blended blood plums, I couldn't find air to breathe. I kept trying to swim my way to the surface, but the tension there was too much and I had no one to pull me out. I couldn't get to what would save me.

Thought you were sent from up above:

I thought the new found 'plough the clay fields' me who could create, read, write, and love everything and be inspired by everything in the surrounds was getting somewhere. I moved my room around, painted some canvas to make a feature on one of my walls, on the other large wall, pictures and quotes that inspired me. I looked at the new me and thought wow; how could I get like this so quickly? I'm actually kinda awesome?

But you and me never had love:

But I've never been able to keep a hold of anything so great for a significant period of time. It either breaks, gets lost, gets taken away from me or I throw it away without a second thought; and regret it and feel incredible guilt about it. I guess happiness and me maybe will never have a long term relationship with one another.

So much more I have to say:

There is so much about all this that I could rant on and on for so long your eyeballs would fall out of your head due to decayment; after you've been dead tens of thousands of years (or possibley a little less.) I can't say everything because I'm scared. Scared that if any one else found out that they'd never want to talk to me again; and right now, I can't really handle too much more of that. I'm strong, yes; but not that strong.

Help me find a way:

I just need support and even just the tiniest inkspot of understanding. I know what I did was terrible but it involved more than just me and although I didn't exactly check the background and the few scenes before the show, I thought that there was nothing left of any of that; so I did what I did. I just want to deal with it now. I've faced the music, I've done what I need to. I just need to know what to do next, along with some help and support to get me back on track. I know I can do it; I just have so much of it all going through my head unceasingly at the moment that it really is quite hard to think in a clear, logical and coherent manner.

Still I wonder if you know

How it really feels

To be left outside alone

When it's cold out here.
These lines speak for themselves pretty much. I wonder if they really know how it feels to be the one who always seems stuck on the outside, scared to speak or act because if I do, it's likely to either be criticised or absolutely crazy. It's happened my whole life. Always been very socially awkward and nervous around people. Now, after the weekend I wonder if I'm ever going to let myself be 'normal' again because of the massive fear I have of messing it all up this huge again. How is it that I can forgive people so quickly and easily yet when it comes to me, it's like bam. Forever banished to a land far far far away from civilised socialisation. Always the strange, weird awkward one, but I'm hoping to change that.

I want to become a better me. I'm working hard on it, I promise you!



I guess only time will tell; in the meantime, there's mastercard.

(Well, not really a mastercard, but I have the ability to build myself back up slowly again. Hopefully, I WILL stay on an up for longer than a week in time to come)

Awesomeness

Lillies, Castle Hill, Strand, Music, University Degree Transfer approved, Rego paid, Big exciting days at work, friends <3

LOVING LIFE! :D

Just smile :D

Fast Car, The Greatest Love of All,  Clap Your Hands, Perfect, Perfect.

Best songs <3

(Pretty sure I've forgotten HEAPS!)

I'm done...

Done trying to understand what happened, what changed. I'm not going to let this continue to bother me. I'm here if they need or want but I'm going to let go of the confusion. It's not something I need.

Life is going great in just about everything at the moment. I'm starting a new degree, getting support from the government so I don't have to work a whole heap just to be able to afford to go to uni. I'm finally on my open license and because of a series of events this week, I'm feeling a lot more grown up than I ever have. I know I've still got a long way to go, but right now, by letting go of this confusion, I'm going to be a happier person.

As the mini poster I made yesterday says:

Live, Laugh, Live! (Supposed to be Love, Laugh, Live!) 

No excuses, No complaints!

No listening to die-hard traits!
Smile often, frown little;
Let life be as simple as a tittle!! 


<3

Content :) This is the first time in my life that things have been this ok. Sure, there are some things going on at the moment and my a few of my friends are in pain but I am content in the knowledge that I am in a good place right now; the best place I can be to help them. Things are ok and will be even more okay; all we need to do is believe <3

A very reflective afternoon of resume writing...

I've been re-writing my resume today for what seems like the gazillionth time which has led me to reviewing old resumes, achievements I've made, grades I achieved, as well as re-reading old comments of feedback given to me by people who have truly inspired me to become who I am today. Naturally, tears have flowed. Why? As I'm reading over written references and the comments my teachers in high school made about my work in school, memories and emotions have flooded my mind. These people believed in me. They saw my potential and saw that I tried my best. Even in the beginning of grade 12 when I nearly failed all of my subjects and times were tough at home and school as a result, they continued to believe in me and could see that I was working to capacity.

I guess my lesson from reading all of this is that yes, I am intelligent and I can do anything if I believe in myself. I've realised that my problem over the last couple of years with not working to my potential and altogether not doing too well along the way (until now) is because I've been giving the advice to others that I really needed to take on board myself: Believe in yourself. After all, if I don't believe in myself, who will. I am a very capable young woman with a great life ahead of me; I just have to believe that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to and that I can do anything to a very high level if I just keep believing in myself and smiling.

:D

Who ever knew letters which seem so harsh at first could be so truly inspiring?

The last few weeks I have been taking into account some things a friend sent to me in a prose; and with great results. Instead of looking negatively at my image in a mirror when trying on things in a shop and only thinking negatively, I've started looking at the overall picture; and how it is actually looking quite good.

No, I'm not being egotistical; that's not me. Instead I'm using a more mentally healthy way of looking at things in life (and myself for that matter) and seeing that everything is so much more beautiful than how I've been seeing it for years. Before the letter I'd changed my thinking, let go of some things that I'd been hanging on to for too long and was not in a great state of mind (as you probably know if you've read some of my previous posts.) Sure, it's taken me a few weeks to see the true beauty in the letter, but especially after the past 48 hours, I've been looking at things from a wholistically new and improved perspective; and I'm LOVING it!!!

The biggest lessons I've learnt in the past few months (well, the last few weeks in particular) are the following:

1. To live and let live.
• Sure, life throws you curveballs and sometimes dodging them or dealing with the aftermath is a little tough, but it becomes so much easier if you actually let people help you. The really important part about dealing with curveballs is remembering that once they've gone, they've gone and it's time to let go of them. No use hanging on to baggage, it's only holding you down; no one else.
2. Listening to advice and accepting support from others when they give it to you.
• Advice is something that people often give you because they have seen or experienced something that has led them to have that wisdom. Sure the advice might be hard to take on board at first, but mull it over; soon you'll see the wisdom behind the advice and realise just how valuable it truly is. Taking onboard advice is completely worthless though unless you decide to put the advice into some type of action. Accepting advice without then taking action is just like having a Tim Tam without chocolate; the true value of it just isn't there.
• If it's one very important lesson I've learnt in the time since I've left school, it's accepting the care and support of others when they give it to you. Sure, at first it's natural to try to be polite and say no; but if you're truly honest with yourself, you will realise that you're only going to regret not accepting that support. If not for accepting the support of others, I'd have never made it out of my old hometown let alone getting to become the person I am today and being moderately ok financially. 
• Accepting advice and support from others not only boosts your confidence, but it also boosts their confidence as well! Remember this next time you think about saying no.
3. When things get tough, remember it's just a patch; things will get better.
• Not everything in life is hard, negative, sad, lame or inaccessible. Even if things seem tough right now, or even the foreseeable future, remember it's only a patch. Better things ARE to come! I promise you!
4. Never take anything for granted
• You never know when it will be taken away from you. Quite often you don't realise how much something or someone means to you until they are gone. Take the opportunity to thank any one and everyone for the part they play in your life, and to appreciate what it is you have now. It will put a smile on not only your face, but your positive attitude will radiate out of you into others around you helping them to feel better. <3
5. Friends are the siblings God forgot to give you.
• Cherish them.

This is a post.

Obviously.

What is this post about you may ask? Pretty much same old, with a different take on things.

I want to apologise if I've hurt you in anyway, shape or form. If I have, I want you to know that it was unintentional and that my blog posts about this particular topic have just been rants. Nothing to take notice of really, except me being a little confused about the whole thing. I want to take this opportunity to try to make things right. I'm happy to go for a happy coffee (or healthier alternative.) To talk and get this sorted out once and for all; whatever this is. I want you to know I am still here for you; no matter what. I care about you so much; especially after getting to know you over the past year and I would like it if we could hang out again regularly and for everything to ACTUALLY be cool. You inspire me more than you know with your positive attitude, your ability to see the beauty in just about every situation, and your ability to make me smile; no matter how sad I might be. To say I miss having you around Frog would be a total understatement; I want you to know that.

I also want you to know that I am open to any feedback, to any questions and well anything at all and I PROMISE (A cross my heart, stick a pin in my eye type of promise!) that I will do my best to become the person I need to be, to answer everything with honesty and to be fully genuine in everything. If it weren't for you in the last few months, I really don't know where I'd be (probably not physically in this city to be honest) and I want you to know that it was only your support that got me through. I promise I have been working so hard to get better the last month or so and I have definitely seen a definite change in myself, even if nobody else has.

I really miss having a friend like you around, for drinks, for town, for girlie chats, for advice, for Gloria Jeans during the day at work, for our random shopping trips and trips in the car just because. I miss our maccas runs and the spontaneously random afternoons we spent together.

All in all, I'm not entirely sure what you think about me right now, and I certainly don't know where we stand. I am really hoping this post answers a few of your questions (if you have any) and has let you know what my thinking in regards to it all is. I promise you this is 100% genuine and that it comes from my heart and soul. I miss you greatly.

xoxo

Me.

P.S. Smile! :D

Hey, what's been happening?

...or don't say hi back. That's cool. You know, it's not like I'm totally confused about what's going on and why I'm suddenly on the out at all.

I'm letting this go and not worrying because it's your perogative to be like this. If you have a problem with me, it's your problem now. I took the feedback into consideration and changed myself; put my self into a personal revitalising, happier mood self-retreat phase for a couple of weeks and worked really hard at it. I've come out the other end feeling much better about myself, but for some reason this doesn't seem resolved. I don't know what to do now; I've done what you want, but that still doesn't seem to be enough.

So here it is, (recognise those words?) in my personal retreat, I decided to start following the words of the late Ms Munroe:

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't need people to be like this to me and I certainly do not deserve this. I'd like things resolved and to be all good again, but I can't always have what I want and I know that. I don't expect others to change according to my will and I certainly don't think others should expect it of me. Be the change you see in the world is a quote I have always loved. I know you've gotten me through some of the hardest parts of the last few months and I appreciate that much more than you know; but I shouldn't be hated on and ignored just because I got sick and decided it wasn't a good idea for me to be involved in the plan. It was not a selfish decision, but a decision I made because I didn't want others to be worrying about me and because I was genuinely sick and tired.

It really hurts that even though we talked about NYE and all that and that we were happy for it to be resolved (well, I was anyway) and that I've changed myself to make life easier on you (and now myself as a result) only to be ignored and cast away. I thought you were one of my best friends. I miss you friend; whether you realise it or not. Please, let's get this resolved once and for all. Please.