A draft of what I may send. Feedback would be handy.

Silver Gnat*, I have to tell you something that's important. I have tried to make this disappear out of my mind and I have tried to just ignore it but it's come to a point for me where I don't know how much longer I can keep this from you. You may be wondering why facebook keeps changing how much you can see on my wall and why I have been acting strange. Why sometimes when we've been driving it's become really awkward. Why I picked on your anchor T-Shirt the first time I actually met you and later told you that I actually really like the shirt.Why I nearly dropped out of doing YOUNITE. Why I keep asking you if you're coming back soon. Why I won't accept your invitations to go over to SE-A. Why even though I've been worried about you and it's been driving me around the bend, I have been pretending that everything is ok and that whatever has been bothering me is miniscule. I mean I guess this type of situation is small, but when it has the possibility of changing life as I know it well then yeah, the situation is way more than that.

I know you're lost at the moment, I know that nothing seems to be working out for you and I know that coming back to Townsville at the moment is probably more daunting than moving back to the little town up north for you. Life is tough, especially when you're directionless and just praying that God might show you the way today. That life will be better soon. That someone will give you a chance to really let you show them just how well you CAN do. Silver Gnat, I want you to know that whatever happens, I will still be there for you whenever you need or want anything in God's name.

I am going to lay it out on the table. It's up to you what happens from here. I have feelings for you that I can't deny (trust me, I have tried to deny them, but even God won't let me!) I have felt this way for quite a while now and it tears me up inside because these feelings have come right at the time when I am perfectly happy to be single (but don't let that affect what you think or do about this.)

Please know that everything I have thought, said and done have all been with the intention of being a Christ-like sister to you; not for my own benefit at any stage and I have always prayed before, after (and often during) the times that I have spent with you.

I apologise for this.

*Name has been changed to the nickname I use for him on this blog.

Worrying does nothing

I should have learned by this age that worrying about people isn't going to help their situation anymore than doing nothing will. He's in another country for goodness sake; and I have no intention at the moment of telling how I feel... I don't want my feelings to affect him or his decisions. I mean at this point, he doesn't know when he's coming back; he even offered to fly me over there: three times! Sure its great to care but if I'm worrying why pray and if I'm praying why worry? God has everything under his control and there is a reason and a season for everything. I have a much better chance of being able to do something about my own life than someone else's. I've got to learn to let it go properly and let God handle it!

Here's some ways I can try I guess.  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/10-simple-ways-to-save-yourself-from-messing-up-your-life.html 

After watching the hours.

Silver Gnat in Asia, when are you coming back?

Elmo, I no longer hear from you as I have in the past; why?

River; why do you think such a thing when there is no possibility it could be true. I'm not like that and never have been. I'm too scared to talk to you about it. Why? I don't even know.

VS, with you being as far away as you are, I feel like I can't talk to you anymore.

GI singer, I feel like I can't be myself around you, I'm always worried I'm going to say or do something that isn't right by you.

Owl,  you are still there for me no matter what and can often tell when no one else can that there is something up. Thank-you.

PB, you are the best foster sister I could have wished for; I should have counted my blessings whilst I was still in that town.

LMD, I often forget to pray for you which is sad because you are an amazing foster mother. I do pray (when I remember) that you will get better, or that I will at least get to see you alive one more time. I miss you.



Oh the idea that I could disappear; but God has a better way and a better day. He has something better for me. I have things to look forward to; a possible future with someone.

Without the Lord, I could not keep my head above the water but now I am carried above it as he holds me and helps me continue on my path each day. Though so much goes through my head and I often become down these days, I make sure to count my blessings each day to ensure that I look forward to a brighter tomorrow; for it will most definitely come.

I am, through the Lord's strength and not my own, slowly making myself a more fit disciple. One who still has many walks in the shadows of the valley of death to come, yet will not fear or stress or worry as the Lord is there to help me through, even when it may seem that I am completely detached or separate from the world around me. I try to not be distant with the people around me but sometimes it happens, moreso when I'm worried about someone around me.

I want the best for each and every one of you, please know that. If I am distant around you it's because I'm worried about another one of you. I am so glad to have you all in my life and although I don't talk to some of you as much as I used to (I'm a scared-y cat honestly) I still feel blessed to be your friend.

Blessed be God and may he bless you all.

A blurt it post.

I'm going to be honest here so you don't have to guess what's going on.

At the moment I am a combination of:

Homesick: missing my child hood home, life and church
Obessive: Over facebook and about life in general.
Trying to help everyone else: because I feel crappy myself and it makes me feel better to help others and it brings me joy to see others happy
Telling others exactly what I need to hear myself: because I don't want them to make the same mistakes I'm making or have made.
Feeling like I should become a hermit for a while: So other people don't have to deal with me and my issues.
Stop talking to silver gnat: because I've realised I've caught myself in a trap that I got caught in four years ago and I need to distract myself from him before I hurt him or me. He's in South-East Asia, not wanting to come home. I will continue to pray for him, but it will be for God's will to be done in his life and for him to find strength and guidance.
Be more present when I'm with others: because when I'm distant I don't like it and neither does anyone else.
Stop being sarcastic and mean: because it's not how I'm supposed to be and it's not who I want to be.
Forgive my foster mum: because it's only hurting me that I haven't.
Not drink: because it brings out a part of me which shouldn't exist.
Drive safely: because people think I'm mad at them when I'm not by my erratic driving.

Gods will needs to be done in my life, and I have to let him in to takeover. My life is for God and I need to remember that and not try to control every single itsy bitsy part of my life; because frankly, God's much better at it than me and I need to remember that.

Thank-you for being honest with me today, I needed it and it's given me plenty to think about.

The Final Word on You!

It's been a year now since our last conversation; it's gone much quicker than expected. I thank the Lord for helping me see the truth of the situation and the freedom I now have because I'm longer waiting on your every word, your every want or need. Once I let you take God's place in my life, and completely ruin the person I was; now I have God again and am not looking back. I feel like myself again and I thank-you for showing me that life being not myself and without God is not a life worth living. Thank-you for that and the strength you've unknowingly allowed me to develop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKmXPBuzS5E

Three years ago I listened to Pink's song Who Knew thinking how crazy people were for thinking and saying what they thought and could see. I thought (at that time) that we were forever. Now, I'm glad we weren't. Three years later I know myself much better and can see the whole situation from a different, more mature perspective. I was obsessed, not in love, with you back then. A high school obsession that led to me totally ruining myself and my attitudes, values and beliefs for someone of whom now, I haven't talked to in a year; and now I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned so much from it all in my own time, not anyone elses, and I am grateful because you've shown me how dangerous it is to depend on one person so much; lucky I have God!

Thank-you for breaking my heart/obsession/me because that has shown me and taught me so much more about myself than I could have imagined. Thank-you for no longer being someone I am dependant upon. Thank-you for showing me what true freedom is by trapping me as you did.