What comes of reading opinion articles on the Internet...

I just finished reading an opinion article on thought catalog in regards to airports and a few of their inconveniences. Most of the article rattled through my brains as I remembered my own experiences at airports (particularly the 18 hours I spent in the Russian airport; back to the point) but one thing really planted itself in my mind. Like a seed that is being nourished and cared for, off springs of branches and leaves are stemming from a simple idea. What is this idea?

Think of the moment when you feel the surge of the turbines and engines; right when the plane is about to take off into the air at a couple of hundred kilometres an hour. At that particular moment, you and all of the other passengers and those in the plane are quite literally entrusting their lives over to the pilot/s for the entire duration of the trip. Now stop and think about that last sentence; ponder on it for a few moments. So many people, hour by hour, day by day, year by year are in exactly that position. More often than not, passengers are thinking about their destinations and what they plan to see or do when they get there. Usually, the only time that they think about the fact they are entrusting their lives to the pilot/s is the first time they fly... If they were even old enough to understand what was happening in the first place.

Now think about everytime you hop in a vehicle of any type with anyone; do you realise that everyone in that vehicle is entrusting their lives to the driver the moment they put on their belt buckles? I know that a buckle is a safety precaution, but in the moment you belt up, that is when you truly decide that yes, you are going to undertake that journey, whether it be a long or short one, trusting that the driver will get you to point b without damaging the vehicle or its contents. Again, thought we as humans travel daily, the thought rarely enters people's minds that they are, for the duration of the trip, putting their lives into the hands of some one else to control.

This brings me to my next thought: if we readily (and so often without thought) entrust our lives to others to genus through our journey and to bring us to point b safely, the why do we find it so danged hard to entrust our lives to God? We continually entrust our lives to people to get us from point a to point b, so why can't we trust the one whom created the world and everything in it, WHOM MADE US PERFEcTLY IMPERFECT? Yet even as I think about this, I see my own flaw in this area. I trust the people who get 'pilot' the vehicles that get me from my point As to my point Bs; yet somehow I subconsciously always question God when he's directing me through. Why don't I let him take the wheel and 'Enjoy the Journey'? Why is it so hard for us to trust that he has a perfect plan for us.

Now, I don't really know how to conclude this particular post, but I do know that I will never think the same way about getting into vehicles of whom someone else is in control of. Why? Because the question of 'Why don't I trust God in the same way, no matter how I try?' will continue to resound in my mind along with the sound of whatever engine/s is/are running, and whomever may or may not be alongside me.

Now, take a seat, buckle up and enjoy your journey!

Proper update from Zagreb!



A typical street in Zagreb

Hello from Zagreb!

I know its been a while since I last posted a non-depressing, actual post, and so Ive decided to add some fun, colour, photos (1) and thoughts about Zagreb! 

Zagreb is the capital city of Croatia, of which approximately 800,000 call home (1,200,000 in the Metropolitan area (2).)

The buildings are more often than not grey and pretty uniform in appearance (some would say dreary.) One can walk around for a couple of hours and not find what they are looking for (especially on public holidays) other than grocery and conveience stores, and the town squares. (Edit: Its not actually that hard to find things if you know where to look and if you keep your eye out 04/01/2013)

Even though this photo is in Sepia, one can still see how uniform the city is!

This makes finding good places to eat (ie not Mc Donalds or some Croatian version of fast food), and go out (to drink and dance) are pretty hard to find. Generally, you have to keep a good eye out to find something good; unless you can find a local whom speaks English, knows the place well enough, and is willing to help you (or you could ask the receptionist at the hotel/hostel where to go before leaving for the day!) Sometimes even getting assistance from hostel staff (or staff of any other service) can be difficult, especially with language and cultural barriers. Generally though they have been as helpful as possible given the circumstances.

Although it has its flaws (like any other city or town really) Zagreb is actually a very beautiful place with generally nice people and fantastic Christmas and New Years Celebrations (both days are deserving of posts of their very own!)

Eat:

Dance:

Church (Crkva):

See:

We have stayed at two hostels since we got back to Zagreb. One was the Palmers Lodge Hostel (Here are links to its website and facebook page; the facebook page is more updated). This was a lovely place with heaps comfy couches; nice decor; clean, nice bthrooms and really nice staff. I would recommend this hostel to anyone looking for somewhere to stay in Zagreb... and its pretty easy to find too!

The second one was the Day and Night Hostel website and facebook page

Footnotes:

(1) None of the photographs in this post are mine and belong to their respective photographers. I will intend to upload
     some photographs when I get back to Australia. In the meantime, enjoy a virtual almost-tour!
(2) Source: Wikipedia.
     URL: http://wikitravel.org/en/Zagreb
     Date and Time Visited: Friday, 28 December 2012, 14:14:39 CET

I dont even need to mention who this is to...

Ok, so I've let it slide for way too long. Its gotten to the stage where you EXPECT me to cook for you, where YOU believe that I should spend the rest of my life as a housewife, in the kitchen all day slaving over the cook top while you have your own fun. Sure I enjoy it, but when you then go ahead and speak to me with absolutely no respect whatsoever and tell me like a servant "Here, have a kinder and get back to cooking;" it not only kills my joy but also makes me feel like throwing everything I've just cooked in your face. Of course I don't because I care too much about you to see you have hot soup, orange syrup, stewed apples and spaghetti all over you (and honestly, I would rather not waste good food either.)

Its simply not enough to say you respect me then turn around and treat me with no respect. I dont care if you told me you love me, (well yeah I do, but I digress) treat me with respect or Ill be out of your life the moment I get back to Australia. Dont think Im kidding either. I'm learning that it is simply not ok for a friend who supposedly cares so much to treat their friend like a worker; or worse: a servant. Wash your own dishes, cook your own food, clean up after yourself and start remembering things like your credit card because its these things along with you treating me and everyone else with no respect that is making me start to lose respect for you. Clean up your act and start treating me and everyone else better; or see us all walk away and leave you lonely.

This.

I Like Your Flaws | Thought Catalog

Christmas

-in a hostel in Zagreb.
-food from a bakery cos nothing else was open by the time the other one wanted to go out last night.
-every attempt at making Chistmas feel like a day that is not a normal day: ruined.
-get Christmas cheer just before lunch... ruined during lunch.
-homesick.
-lonely even though Im travelling with the other one and even though Im in a city of a million people.

Happy Birthday Jesus!

Have a wonderful rest of the day everyone!

hmm...

Where to go from here? Looking at jobs in different towns and not knowing what is next. I don't even know where to start. Sometimes I think I want to go back to Brown City, then other times to go to Green city, sometimes to the Heritage city then other times to go to the old home town. Who knows? Will I be single? Where will I be living, working? Who will I visit in my spare time? Will I finally be able to get past the last of these crosses? I know I can't do anything without the Lord and I know he has a plan for me, but not knowing what is coming next is possibly the hardest thing for me to  deal with at this particular point in time. All of this uncertainty is certainly hard to deal with. I don't want to end up being depressed with no on e around me a regretting my life when I'm fifty.  I want my kids *if/ when I have them* to want to visit me and to enjoy my company. Most of all, I want to be able to stand up in front of God (when the time comes) and to be able to say "God, I lived my life the best I possibly could in my given circumstances and I lived it according to your will. I know that because I pray so much I shouldn't be so worried, but I am human and I'm far from perfect. Worrying about things makes me realise that I just need to trust and pray even more.

On a more positive note, things in this lovely little place are going quite well. More details to come.

Happy First Sunday of Advent Everyone!

Christmas, without a doubt is my second favourite time of the year. Why second and not first? The Holy Week and Easter season is my favourite because Jesus died and rose again to defeat death and to save us all from ourselves, basically. Christmas is a time for unity and love. It is one of the only times of the year where pretty much everything closes so that people can spend a day together as family, whether they be blood related or not. There's food, drinks, laughter, gifts, fun and more laughter.

My favourite part about Christmas though is coming together with people who have similar beliefs and celebrating a night that should never EVER be forgotten: the night that our Lord and Saviour was born into his earthly life in a farmshed in Bethlehem... with a manger for a cradle. When the wise men and shepherds and the poor came to visit, and when after having a dream (given to them buy God) to not return to Herod, the wise men, after giving Jesus the gifts that they had brought him, left on another route back to the East.

Jesus was born into a family with no wealth; a true working class family. Even from the beginning of his earthly life inside of Mary, he lived a truly humble life. We would do well to remember that to change the world around us, to help those who are poor, imprisoned, or have the underhand in any way that we don't need a great deal of wealth; we don't really need any monetary sum: we just have to be there  to give them company and to bring them peace and joy through prayer and learning together.

May we all remember this Christmas just exactly what Christmas is about and where it originated: from the Christ-mass that occurred on that divine night over 2000 years ago in the little town of Bethlehem: The birth of our King and Saviour. Let us wait in eager anticipation for the anniversary of that very special night, and celebrate it with those who we can: family, friends, other lonely people. Let us make this Christmas truly merry! Merry first day of Advent everyone; may God bless you all and keep you!

As I...

...finish looking back at old blog posts from over a year ago, I see how far I've come in the last year (All thanks to the Lord!) and can't believe how much has changed. I'm so much happier these days and have friends that actually care about me and am actually living my life rather than working too many hours at a dead end job. Thank-you Lord for all you've done for me!!!

Random brief update

Hey guys,
So Im overseas in a place where its is currently winter and it is absolutely amazing! This place is so prayerful and Im here with one of my best friends, silver gnat. So many Catholic shops, such a beautiful culture and such beautiful scenery... and one of the best parts? IT IS RAINING!!!!! XD

A look at what that situation means for me now...

Go back to New Year's Eve this year. Where were you? At a party; at home; chilling at a friend's place; Time Square; on the Gold Coast; in Sydney Harbour? Who were you with? Friends; family; housemates; strangers? What were you up to? Partying; drinking; just chilling; watching tv; reminiscing with the people around you; reminiscing in your mind? How were you feeling? Excited; neutral; nervous about the year ahead; chilled? Either way, it was probably a really enjoyable experience, just like most other New Years Eve's; right? At some point there was a countdown during the end of one chapter of your life until the new one began, right?

Now, take your mind back to if and when you've either heard about or read (or watched a movie) about Christ's passion. Think specifically about when he was in the garden of Gethsemane. Where was he? In the Garden of Gethsemane. Who was he with? He was alone; his friends had all either fallen asleep, betrayed him or left him. What was he up to? He was sitting there, alone, in a garden, praying. How was he feeling? Abandoned, betrayed, lonely, scared, conflicted, in agony. For Jesus, there was no machine telling him how much longer until the next chapter of his life would begin; he just had to wait. After Judas betrayed Jesus, then a timely (yet not mechanised or counted out line) countdown began that would continue until his death; a process that Jesus, by this time was already mostly aware of. Jesus had no where to go, no one to turn to but God. There was no other time in his life like this one; there could not have been: the countdown (timed only by the process to his death) would only happen once: Jesus only died once.

So many times in this life we countdown to events just waiting for the next thing to happen. In a world so dominated by time and money; time is money and money buys time. Perhaps sometimes we need to take a step back from where we are and thank God for the situation we have, right here right now. Others may not be experiencing the same period of time as you are; in fact it's guaranteed that NO ONE will be experiencing exactly the same situation. Some are lucky enough to have a similarly awesome time (when compared with each other) when others may be having the loneliest, toughest time of their lives... a time when they are waiting for the process that they know will lead to their timely death.

I know at this point, this seems quite depressing but keep reading, this post is going to redeem itself, you'll see. [Me, NYE 11-12, no one there, everyone had either betrayed or were asleep or were elsewhere having the time of their lives, I was lonely, awaiting a timely death from what I knew.] 

The night of the 18th and the day of the 19th of February, I died to myself. I'd left all of my values, beliefs, attitudes in the gutter. The sins I committed that night, I don't want to even think about. I betrayed some of the people I worked with, I betrayed myself,  and most of all, I betrayed God. The next few days went by. I felt nothing, I was nothing, I had nothing. Nothing to any one or anything; except that is, to God.

On Wednesday the 22nd [see mobile calendar: driving aimlessly]

Finally, think about a park bench; the one you sit on the most when you go to the park nearby. Almost invisible to the world passing by, yet a support for many who need to rest a while before heading off on the next part of their adventure, hardly ever truly appreciated for all that they do for others: never thinking for themselves, but always there. [Relate to God]

SG

As much as I'm trying to forget you and to rid myself of my Facebook addiction, going cold turkey probably wasn't the best idea. I think I'm going to go back to Facebook quicker than expected. When I do, I must make sure not to be on it for any more than an hour a day. Lol. Time for dancing like a crazy!

Where to go from here?

I was trying to think of ways to write this post, but I guess I'm going to just write it as it comes. This year I have been discerning what I should do in the coming year (2013.) Should I go back to uni? Should I get a full time job? Should I get a casual job and do voluntary ministry work in Townsville as I have been  doing for most of this year? The 2012 Townsville NET (National Evangelisation Teams) team (just like last year's had) had suggested that I join NET next year, but I thought it was a way out idea and put it to the back of my mind. In the last couple of months though, I keep finding that the idea is coming up more often and in more mysterious ways (God really does have an amazing sense of humour!)

By now you're probably thinking 'Oh wow, this time she really has gone off the deep end."
Well, honestly a year ago, I would have thought the same thing but now, it's really quite reasonable. When four people in one day suggest the same thing without having talked to one another about it, when other things keep popping up suggesting the same thing, well, you have to start to wonder.

So where does that leave me after all that babbling? I am now seriously considering joining NET next year. Silver Gnat doesn't know about this, and neither does G-face and I will be talking to a couple of people this week to find out their opinions on the matter. I have the application forms and am just waiting on the right time to go through them.

In other news, Silver Gnat is still overseas; two months after he left and one month after the original time he was going to be heading back. What effect does this have on me? Because I have deactivated my facebook, therefore removing all forms of communication between him and myself other than email; I now have a great opportunity of healing and time to get my head on straight. (Ie this means that I now have the opportunity to make myself let go of him.) This also means that I will be in the right mentality (a single mentality of not having feelings for anyone and being a happy single. [not that I've wanted to have feelings for Silver Gnat in any case])

Talking about being a happy single, I'm feeling like I've lost some of my non- catholic friends in the last couple of months, it's like they've fallen away (become too busy) to want to spend time with me. I guess I can't really do too much about that and I'm not going to waste my headspace on it either.

Well, that's all I can think about that's worthy of being on here (not that more than half of what is written was anyway) for now. I hope all of you are going well and that life is treating you wonderfully!

Tropical Cyclone Catherine Tree

A draft of what I may send. Feedback would be handy.

Silver Gnat*, I have to tell you something that's important. I have tried to make this disappear out of my mind and I have tried to just ignore it but it's come to a point for me where I don't know how much longer I can keep this from you. You may be wondering why facebook keeps changing how much you can see on my wall and why I have been acting strange. Why sometimes when we've been driving it's become really awkward. Why I picked on your anchor T-Shirt the first time I actually met you and later told you that I actually really like the shirt.Why I nearly dropped out of doing YOUNITE. Why I keep asking you if you're coming back soon. Why I won't accept your invitations to go over to SE-A. Why even though I've been worried about you and it's been driving me around the bend, I have been pretending that everything is ok and that whatever has been bothering me is miniscule. I mean I guess this type of situation is small, but when it has the possibility of changing life as I know it well then yeah, the situation is way more than that.

I know you're lost at the moment, I know that nothing seems to be working out for you and I know that coming back to Townsville at the moment is probably more daunting than moving back to the little town up north for you. Life is tough, especially when you're directionless and just praying that God might show you the way today. That life will be better soon. That someone will give you a chance to really let you show them just how well you CAN do. Silver Gnat, I want you to know that whatever happens, I will still be there for you whenever you need or want anything in God's name.

I am going to lay it out on the table. It's up to you what happens from here. I have feelings for you that I can't deny (trust me, I have tried to deny them, but even God won't let me!) I have felt this way for quite a while now and it tears me up inside because these feelings have come right at the time when I am perfectly happy to be single (but don't let that affect what you think or do about this.)

Please know that everything I have thought, said and done have all been with the intention of being a Christ-like sister to you; not for my own benefit at any stage and I have always prayed before, after (and often during) the times that I have spent with you.

I apologise for this.

*Name has been changed to the nickname I use for him on this blog.

Worrying does nothing

I should have learned by this age that worrying about people isn't going to help their situation anymore than doing nothing will. He's in another country for goodness sake; and I have no intention at the moment of telling how I feel... I don't want my feelings to affect him or his decisions. I mean at this point, he doesn't know when he's coming back; he even offered to fly me over there: three times! Sure its great to care but if I'm worrying why pray and if I'm praying why worry? God has everything under his control and there is a reason and a season for everything. I have a much better chance of being able to do something about my own life than someone else's. I've got to learn to let it go properly and let God handle it!

Here's some ways I can try I guess.  http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/10-simple-ways-to-save-yourself-from-messing-up-your-life.html 

After watching the hours.

Silver Gnat in Asia, when are you coming back?

Elmo, I no longer hear from you as I have in the past; why?

River; why do you think such a thing when there is no possibility it could be true. I'm not like that and never have been. I'm too scared to talk to you about it. Why? I don't even know.

VS, with you being as far away as you are, I feel like I can't talk to you anymore.

GI singer, I feel like I can't be myself around you, I'm always worried I'm going to say or do something that isn't right by you.

Owl,  you are still there for me no matter what and can often tell when no one else can that there is something up. Thank-you.

PB, you are the best foster sister I could have wished for; I should have counted my blessings whilst I was still in that town.

LMD, I often forget to pray for you which is sad because you are an amazing foster mother. I do pray (when I remember) that you will get better, or that I will at least get to see you alive one more time. I miss you.



Oh the idea that I could disappear; but God has a better way and a better day. He has something better for me. I have things to look forward to; a possible future with someone.

Without the Lord, I could not keep my head above the water but now I am carried above it as he holds me and helps me continue on my path each day. Though so much goes through my head and I often become down these days, I make sure to count my blessings each day to ensure that I look forward to a brighter tomorrow; for it will most definitely come.

I am, through the Lord's strength and not my own, slowly making myself a more fit disciple. One who still has many walks in the shadows of the valley of death to come, yet will not fear or stress or worry as the Lord is there to help me through, even when it may seem that I am completely detached or separate from the world around me. I try to not be distant with the people around me but sometimes it happens, moreso when I'm worried about someone around me.

I want the best for each and every one of you, please know that. If I am distant around you it's because I'm worried about another one of you. I am so glad to have you all in my life and although I don't talk to some of you as much as I used to (I'm a scared-y cat honestly) I still feel blessed to be your friend.

Blessed be God and may he bless you all.

A blurt it post.

I'm going to be honest here so you don't have to guess what's going on.

At the moment I am a combination of:

Homesick: missing my child hood home, life and church
Obessive: Over facebook and about life in general.
Trying to help everyone else: because I feel crappy myself and it makes me feel better to help others and it brings me joy to see others happy
Telling others exactly what I need to hear myself: because I don't want them to make the same mistakes I'm making or have made.
Feeling like I should become a hermit for a while: So other people don't have to deal with me and my issues.
Stop talking to silver gnat: because I've realised I've caught myself in a trap that I got caught in four years ago and I need to distract myself from him before I hurt him or me. He's in South-East Asia, not wanting to come home. I will continue to pray for him, but it will be for God's will to be done in his life and for him to find strength and guidance.
Be more present when I'm with others: because when I'm distant I don't like it and neither does anyone else.
Stop being sarcastic and mean: because it's not how I'm supposed to be and it's not who I want to be.
Forgive my foster mum: because it's only hurting me that I haven't.
Not drink: because it brings out a part of me which shouldn't exist.
Drive safely: because people think I'm mad at them when I'm not by my erratic driving.

Gods will needs to be done in my life, and I have to let him in to takeover. My life is for God and I need to remember that and not try to control every single itsy bitsy part of my life; because frankly, God's much better at it than me and I need to remember that.

Thank-you for being honest with me today, I needed it and it's given me plenty to think about.

The Final Word on You!

It's been a year now since our last conversation; it's gone much quicker than expected. I thank the Lord for helping me see the truth of the situation and the freedom I now have because I'm longer waiting on your every word, your every want or need. Once I let you take God's place in my life, and completely ruin the person I was; now I have God again and am not looking back. I feel like myself again and I thank-you for showing me that life being not myself and without God is not a life worth living. Thank-you for that and the strength you've unknowingly allowed me to develop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKmXPBuzS5E

Three years ago I listened to Pink's song Who Knew thinking how crazy people were for thinking and saying what they thought and could see. I thought (at that time) that we were forever. Now, I'm glad we weren't. Three years later I know myself much better and can see the whole situation from a different, more mature perspective. I was obsessed, not in love, with you back then. A high school obsession that led to me totally ruining myself and my attitudes, values and beliefs for someone of whom now, I haven't talked to in a year; and now I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned so much from it all in my own time, not anyone elses, and I am grateful because you've shown me how dangerous it is to depend on one person so much; lucky I have God!

Thank-you for breaking my heart/obsession/me because that has shown me and taught me so much more about myself than I could have imagined. Thank-you for no longer being someone I am dependant upon. Thank-you for showing me what true freedom is by trapping me as you did.

First little bean spill in a while...

Homesick. I miss my best friend, my home, my routine, my twin brother. I miss how well I did in Maryborough at all things academic. I miss running around my neighbourhood... without worrying about getting an asthma attack because of the polluted and humid air. I miss feeling the freedom of living in the country. I miss being able to talk to my foster dads and my foster mums. I feel terrible for not being more understanding about my foster mum's mental health and that I didn't listen to what she was trying to tell me. Sure she had a strange way of saying it, but she knew where I belonged. God knows where I belong... and I really am not sure it's here in the town of brown.

Missing someone who I really shouldn't be so dependent upon. I've been trying to think of him as a brother in Christ. A friend and nothing more. Stupid feelings, stupid emotions, stupid me. I know the Lord has his plans for me and that fact should be comforting, but the fact that he is somewhere in Asia at this particular moment and will be in South-East Asia for a month is the least comforting thing I can think of right now, except for the fact that it's part of God's plan for him to be there. To work out the kinks in his family.

Sick and dry prayer life. My prayer life since he's been gone seems to be taking a real battering. I can't feel God there like I have been these past few months. Every time I try to go to a church to pray, they are closed. I want some quality time with God, in his house; especially whilst I am dealing with all of this.

Stressed. Trying to get my Statement of Reasons and supporting documentation together is like trying to pull a salivary gland out without anasthetic... Painful and seemingly time-slowing. People's expectations are really starting to get me down, especially when they tell me that I'm...

Unsettled. I know I'm unsettled, I just try to not think about it. I'd rather look at the positives in my life: I have a job, I have an income, I have a house to live in, I have friends, I have transport and I have God... even if I can't feel him here. Believe me, I want to settle and know what I want to do (and what I SHOULD do) as much as other people want me to... more so in fact! Being unsettled is unsettling, but so is people telling you that fact.

Battered self confidence. With all of these "You should..."'s and "You would..."'s I feel like no one can take me seriously, like no one believes that I'm doing anything with my life. If they had to walk in my shoes, I'm sure they would see things differently. Being bombarded with images and expectations of thinness, good looks (made to be so with make-up) and career aspirations; I feel like no one really is appreciating me for me. It's enough to make one want to take up a form of hermitude. Yeah, I know, hermitude is really not for me seeing that I'm such a FOMO (Fear of missing out) but hey, I've done it before. I'm sick of getting complimented ONLY when I have make up on. I put make up on often when I'm not feeling too good (bluntly: when I feel like total s***); it then, therefore, frustrates me when people compliment me on how I look when I'm trying to cover myself up. To hide behind the mask. I don't want to be complimented for hiding; simple as that!

Lack of appetite... Even for tea, sushi and salmon. Keeping a food journal has been handy. I let myself have a cheat day a week and that's it. All other consumption is accounted for in the effort to get back in shape. I want to be fit again. Fitness allows me to set goals and therefore feel like I'm actually achieving something rather than running around in circles getting no where (no, the pun was not intended.) With this stress, unsettlement, dryness in faith, homesickness and stupid emotions (I want to be single; emotionally, mentally and officially; why is it now that this has to be in my face? I'm happier being a single and being dependent on God. NOT another person!) I am losing my appetite for things I usually love consuming. Sushi, salmon, cucumber, teas of numerous varieties, etc.

Stupid mental health. Stupid emotions. Stupid brain. Stupid life. God please be with me and comfort me. You are my stronghold, my fortress, my solitude, my sanity, my life; please don't ever let me forget that (but please cut me some slack too!) Cheers. 

A new stage...

I've been reading the book 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' by Joshua Harris again and this time I'm absorbing it like a sponge. I've learned that it is better to protect your friendships with your brothers in Christ (especially those you think you may have feelings for)by avoiding the temptation to spend time alone with them, even if it is a car ride to a prayer group or other church event. (Yes, this is harder than it seems but I am trying my best to do the right thing.) What makes this harder? When a priest (unknowingly) organises for two people (the guy and the girl who 'likes' the guy) to organise an all night adoration prayer event. I will be speaking with the Priest in the coming couple of days and explaining why I don't think it's a good idea for me to continue to organise this monthly event with this person.

I'm learning and praying so much at the moment... it's awesome and scary and exciting all in one!!!

Dealing

There's only so far that hiding what's going on inside will take you. Your past catches up with you eventually and as much as you try to run from yourself or God, you can never hide. Great :/

Ok

Why the hell am I seeing an increase in gossip, online and phone bullying and paying out? It's really starting to get on my nerves. If you're not willing to say something to someone's face, don't say it at all! This means that you shouldn't hide behind your computer/phone screens and make a huge deal out of something that could be sorted out over a simple conversation! Grow up people!

The End of a Chapter

Today I began the process of finishing off a chapter in my life; sure I'm going to miss it, but it's been coming for some time now, and it's taken me a while to get here; mainly because of fear of the unknown. Fear of how it would be to be in this position. Thankfully I am feeling relief rather than hurt about making this decision and am looking forward to what lies ahead; rather than worrying about what now lays in the past.

I pray that those who are still in this particular chapter of their lives find fulfilment and peace; and that they not just critically analyse the mistakes of themselves and others, but to also learn from them and ensure that these mistakes don't occur again.

For those who were with me at any stage throughout this chapter, thank-you. You've provided me with many good times (and a few bad ones) and people and experiences to learn with and from. I am going to miss you all; especially those who supported me, even for a little while.

Thank-you for having me.

Last night I had a conversation that I both wanted and didn't want to have. It's a conversation that was going to happen at some point and I'm glad the air is cleared now; well as much as can be expected under the circumstances. I thank you klok. Thank you for being so considerate when it seems that not many others can be. It wasn't just your fault; your words, thoughts and actions: I had the words, thoughts and actions too. It was mutual. I'm glad you haven't received what I have as consequences; it makes the whole situation seem at least a tiny bit better. You're a more genuine person than about three quarters of the population; please stay  genuine. Don't let this situation change that. Thank-you again. 

Morbid beginning, but stick to it; it gets much better!

By this time of the night three long years ago, my body (thanks to autonomy) saved me from death at my own hands.

Three years ago I was a seventeen year old of whom had just been broken up with by her first love. Assignments for my final year at high school were pouring in and piling up; and home life wasn't much better. I couldn't see a way out of that situation other than through death at that time. No, I wasn't being selfish. No, I wasn't doing it for attention; quite the opposite actually. I wanted to disappear from everyone's lives to make it easier on them all. Three years later, I'm still alive.

Sure I'm going through quite a rough patch (especially with what happened a few weeks ago,)  sure I miss some of the people I have called my friends within the last few years due to the fact they are no longer so (no this doesn't include USA friend because I haven't lost her;) and sure I may be financially challenged at the moment because the government agency who is supposed to be paying me is too busy to even tell it's customers the truth; but right now, there is no way in the world that I would want to leave this world.

Just thinking over all of the last four years in my head this weekend (and the keeping busy to avoid thinking too much about it) I have seen just how different I am as a person now. Intrinsically, I'm still the same. I care too much about others and what they think. I worry constantly about everything (though now to a much lesser extent.) I believe there is a God out there who is there to love, create, amend, challenge, and forgive us and everything else in the world.

I miss a lot at the moment; but I am also loving my life. When I'm at work, I'm focussed solely on work. When I'm at home, I am either cleaning, singing, dancing like an idiot, studying, praying or just chilling. When I'm at uni I'm either studying or mildly socialising while studying. At the moment, I love that even though my finances may be stretched, I still have food, a roof over my head, a car, an education that I'm passionately enjoying and studying, and the most awesome housemates in all of history.

I love the fact that even though some pretty bad things happened a few weeks ago I still have really awesome friends in this city, in the southern area of this state and overseas. I love that at the moment there will be spontaneous outbursts of rain (and music in my head;) or spontaneous music playing (with rain in my head,) and whatever other combination you can think of between the two. I love the fact that I am now in contact with an older biological sibling of mine and that she is one of the loveliest people around. I love that my bedroom smells of lavendar and sweet orange and that at least half of my room is dark parisian in style.

I love that I've found prayer to be the thing that allows me to step in other people's shoes and see how they saw the situation a few weeks ago. Yes, it made me feel how badly I hurt them, but it was also a valuable tool in allowing myself to begin my healing process; and to begin the process of forgiving myself for that situation. I love that there is a mass at uni every Sunday night where young people can come to mass and be within each others' company whilst spending  time in prayer, worship and reconciliation. I love that there are regular events for young Catholics in the diocese to come together for social and/or prayerful events. I love that my church is open all week during the day and that I can spend as much time as I want or need in there; as often as I want.

It is often said that it is the moment after the point when you're about to give up that things start looking up. If anyone has had experience with this, it's me. I have lost count of how many times this has happened. Whether it be life, work, uni, school or any other thing that pops up; the same still rings true: keep going past that point where  you want to just give it up; there is something just around the corner to make you glad you didn't.

I wish everyone all the love, happiness, grace, challenges (they open the doors for you in many ways) faith and hope in the world. You all deserve it.

~Live, Laugh, Love, Believe.

Just something I've learnt in the last few weeks...

Sometimes, the most spontaneous of events are the worst for us; other times, they are for the best. Discerning your thoughts, words and actions at these times is important: Take the wrong path and you suffer more than you could have imagined; take the right one and everything seems to light up in a way that you may have never experienced before. Be spontaneous but be careful. Not too careful though; doing that means you miss out on opportunities and may lose friends.

Yeah, some times it's harder than it looks...

...but you've got to keep trying.

All this hard work, running, walking, dancing, working harder, eating better trying to keep a good schedule, trying to make my financial situation better, pretending I'm ok, trying to forget the weekend I wish had never happened and still my BMI is too high. Still I can't go a day without breaking down. Still I'm ok with parts of me but not others. Still I'm Still I can't remove the memories I don't want to remember because they hurt too much.

So 22.9 should be eighteen... just gotta keep on going!

Goodbye to you

Why didn't I kiss you at the parties?

I was afraid that I'd enjoy it too much; but more importantly, I was afraid I'd lose your friendship. It's too late for that now.

Goodbye to you. 

Days like these are pure awesome!

A visit to a reef-themed aquarium; fun with the housemates' nephews and nieces at the water park after fish and chips; an afternoon of swimming, delicious tea and conversation by the pool with children playing and splashing around; a steady night at work with a decent amount of tips; giving people lifts. All in all, a fantastic day <3

Buggered now, but it was worth every moment!

Yep, today has also reiterated the fact that yes, social work is definitely for me! <3

I can do this. I can. I can! I CAN!

Pumped for my first semester of studying Social Work!!! The materials I have been reading, and the lectures I went to this week have been awesome so far, so I can't wait to see what's next!

Sure I've had a couple of relatively big bumps in the road this week, but I can get over them. I am smart, I am fit, I am healthy and can do what ever it is I set my mind to!

Right now I deserve to be thrown out on the street. I can't seem to do right by my friends, my sleep is suffering (again) and I don't want my life to be given to me on a platter. I deserve to be fired, I deserve to have everything of value taken off of me. I mean how bad of a person must I be to have lost someone as good as you? How bad must I be to be continually on the bottom end of the roller-coaster with an allowance of only a couple of weeks of true happiness every few months?

Fuck.

Then there's what happened on the weekend. After that, I deserve to have no one ever talk to me again; to ignore everything I say or do. Yes, it was that bad. Am I guilty and regretful? I most certainly am.

Numb. Painfully numb. Today I lost a great friend. Who am I kidding. I lost her before this year began. Try as I might to give all I could despite all else, it wasn't enough. You are still around but you made it clear you don't want to be friends anymore. I have missed you the last couple of months and will continue to, but I understand you want ad little to do with me as possible and I respect your wishes. I will always be here, thick or thin. Please know that. At least now I know where I stand.

Goodbye dear frog. Good bye and good luck.

Sweet Asylum on we heart it / visual bookmark #23623814

Seeing this after the day's events... Made me want to curl up on the floor and scream and cry; but I didn't. I think I'm getting too used to pain to even feel it enough anymore.

At least this way I won't hurt as much...


Sweet Asylum on we heart it / visual bookmark #23623814

Ashamed

Written on 21-02-2012:

I did something terrible on the weekend; something I am more than ashamed about. I am guilt-ridden and regretful; to a point. I can't believe I did that. If I had the opportunity again though would I do the same thing? Probably. Why? Because it felt like exactly the right decision at the time. Would I change it though so people wouldn't have been hurt or felt betrayed? You betcha!

Now, before you start asking questions about what I could have possibly done that was that bad; let me tell you that I'm not going to tell you what happened; only what I feel. As I thought about it, I realised that unless I brought some structure to it, what I would say would make it completely clear. Instead I have chosen a few extracts from Anastasia's 'Left Outside Alone' as a structural (and albeit connotational) reference point. Here goes!

Left broken, empty in despair:
After so much had gone wrong so quickly, I felt broken, lost, alone. NYE I was alone, empty and completely miserable (again because of a choice I made that turned out to apparently not be quite right) and full of despair because that night; I had no one. I'd pushed everyone away.

Want to breathe, can't find air:
I try to get back up, to start running along the jumbled masses of pathways paved through my mind, but I can't breathe. I want to, but without support, with a broken and bruised shell and an inside that resembled blended blood plums, I couldn't find air to breathe. I kept trying to swim my way to the surface, but the tension there was too much and I had no one to pull me out. I couldn't get to what would save me.

Thought you were sent from up above:

I thought the new found 'plough the clay fields' me who could create, read, write, and love everything and be inspired by everything in the surrounds was getting somewhere. I moved my room around, painted some canvas to make a feature on one of my walls, on the other large wall, pictures and quotes that inspired me. I looked at the new me and thought wow; how could I get like this so quickly? I'm actually kinda awesome?

But you and me never had love:

But I've never been able to keep a hold of anything so great for a significant period of time. It either breaks, gets lost, gets taken away from me or I throw it away without a second thought; and regret it and feel incredible guilt about it. I guess happiness and me maybe will never have a long term relationship with one another.

So much more I have to say:

There is so much about all this that I could rant on and on for so long your eyeballs would fall out of your head due to decayment; after you've been dead tens of thousands of years (or possibley a little less.) I can't say everything because I'm scared. Scared that if any one else found out that they'd never want to talk to me again; and right now, I can't really handle too much more of that. I'm strong, yes; but not that strong.

Help me find a way:

I just need support and even just the tiniest inkspot of understanding. I know what I did was terrible but it involved more than just me and although I didn't exactly check the background and the few scenes before the show, I thought that there was nothing left of any of that; so I did what I did. I just want to deal with it now. I've faced the music, I've done what I need to. I just need to know what to do next, along with some help and support to get me back on track. I know I can do it; I just have so much of it all going through my head unceasingly at the moment that it really is quite hard to think in a clear, logical and coherent manner.

Still I wonder if you know

How it really feels

To be left outside alone

When it's cold out here.
These lines speak for themselves pretty much. I wonder if they really know how it feels to be the one who always seems stuck on the outside, scared to speak or act because if I do, it's likely to either be criticised or absolutely crazy. It's happened my whole life. Always been very socially awkward and nervous around people. Now, after the weekend I wonder if I'm ever going to let myself be 'normal' again because of the massive fear I have of messing it all up this huge again. How is it that I can forgive people so quickly and easily yet when it comes to me, it's like bam. Forever banished to a land far far far away from civilised socialisation. Always the strange, weird awkward one, but I'm hoping to change that.

I want to become a better me. I'm working hard on it, I promise you!



I guess only time will tell; in the meantime, there's mastercard.

(Well, not really a mastercard, but I have the ability to build myself back up slowly again. Hopefully, I WILL stay on an up for longer than a week in time to come)

Awesomeness

Lillies, Castle Hill, Strand, Music, University Degree Transfer approved, Rego paid, Big exciting days at work, friends <3

LOVING LIFE! :D

Just smile :D

Fast Car, The Greatest Love of All,  Clap Your Hands, Perfect, Perfect.

Best songs <3

(Pretty sure I've forgotten HEAPS!)

I'm done...

Done trying to understand what happened, what changed. I'm not going to let this continue to bother me. I'm here if they need or want but I'm going to let go of the confusion. It's not something I need.

Life is going great in just about everything at the moment. I'm starting a new degree, getting support from the government so I don't have to work a whole heap just to be able to afford to go to uni. I'm finally on my open license and because of a series of events this week, I'm feeling a lot more grown up than I ever have. I know I've still got a long way to go, but right now, by letting go of this confusion, I'm going to be a happier person.

As the mini poster I made yesterday says:

Live, Laugh, Live! (Supposed to be Love, Laugh, Live!) 

No excuses, No complaints!

No listening to die-hard traits!
Smile often, frown little;
Let life be as simple as a tittle!! 


<3

Content :) This is the first time in my life that things have been this ok. Sure, there are some things going on at the moment and my a few of my friends are in pain but I am content in the knowledge that I am in a good place right now; the best place I can be to help them. Things are ok and will be even more okay; all we need to do is believe <3

A very reflective afternoon of resume writing...

I've been re-writing my resume today for what seems like the gazillionth time which has led me to reviewing old resumes, achievements I've made, grades I achieved, as well as re-reading old comments of feedback given to me by people who have truly inspired me to become who I am today. Naturally, tears have flowed. Why? As I'm reading over written references and the comments my teachers in high school made about my work in school, memories and emotions have flooded my mind. These people believed in me. They saw my potential and saw that I tried my best. Even in the beginning of grade 12 when I nearly failed all of my subjects and times were tough at home and school as a result, they continued to believe in me and could see that I was working to capacity.

I guess my lesson from reading all of this is that yes, I am intelligent and I can do anything if I believe in myself. I've realised that my problem over the last couple of years with not working to my potential and altogether not doing too well along the way (until now) is because I've been giving the advice to others that I really needed to take on board myself: Believe in yourself. After all, if I don't believe in myself, who will. I am a very capable young woman with a great life ahead of me; I just have to believe that I can achieve whatever I set my mind to and that I can do anything to a very high level if I just keep believing in myself and smiling.

:D

Who ever knew letters which seem so harsh at first could be so truly inspiring?

The last few weeks I have been taking into account some things a friend sent to me in a prose; and with great results. Instead of looking negatively at my image in a mirror when trying on things in a shop and only thinking negatively, I've started looking at the overall picture; and how it is actually looking quite good.

No, I'm not being egotistical; that's not me. Instead I'm using a more mentally healthy way of looking at things in life (and myself for that matter) and seeing that everything is so much more beautiful than how I've been seeing it for years. Before the letter I'd changed my thinking, let go of some things that I'd been hanging on to for too long and was not in a great state of mind (as you probably know if you've read some of my previous posts.) Sure, it's taken me a few weeks to see the true beauty in the letter, but especially after the past 48 hours, I've been looking at things from a wholistically new and improved perspective; and I'm LOVING it!!!

The biggest lessons I've learnt in the past few months (well, the last few weeks in particular) are the following:

1. To live and let live.
• Sure, life throws you curveballs and sometimes dodging them or dealing with the aftermath is a little tough, but it becomes so much easier if you actually let people help you. The really important part about dealing with curveballs is remembering that once they've gone, they've gone and it's time to let go of them. No use hanging on to baggage, it's only holding you down; no one else.
2. Listening to advice and accepting support from others when they give it to you.
• Advice is something that people often give you because they have seen or experienced something that has led them to have that wisdom. Sure the advice might be hard to take on board at first, but mull it over; soon you'll see the wisdom behind the advice and realise just how valuable it truly is. Taking onboard advice is completely worthless though unless you decide to put the advice into some type of action. Accepting advice without then taking action is just like having a Tim Tam without chocolate; the true value of it just isn't there.
• If it's one very important lesson I've learnt in the time since I've left school, it's accepting the care and support of others when they give it to you. Sure, at first it's natural to try to be polite and say no; but if you're truly honest with yourself, you will realise that you're only going to regret not accepting that support. If not for accepting the support of others, I'd have never made it out of my old hometown let alone getting to become the person I am today and being moderately ok financially. 
• Accepting advice and support from others not only boosts your confidence, but it also boosts their confidence as well! Remember this next time you think about saying no.
3. When things get tough, remember it's just a patch; things will get better.
• Not everything in life is hard, negative, sad, lame or inaccessible. Even if things seem tough right now, or even the foreseeable future, remember it's only a patch. Better things ARE to come! I promise you!
4. Never take anything for granted
• You never know when it will be taken away from you. Quite often you don't realise how much something or someone means to you until they are gone. Take the opportunity to thank any one and everyone for the part they play in your life, and to appreciate what it is you have now. It will put a smile on not only your face, but your positive attitude will radiate out of you into others around you helping them to feel better. <3
5. Friends are the siblings God forgot to give you.
• Cherish them.

This is a post.

Obviously.

What is this post about you may ask? Pretty much same old, with a different take on things.

I want to apologise if I've hurt you in anyway, shape or form. If I have, I want you to know that it was unintentional and that my blog posts about this particular topic have just been rants. Nothing to take notice of really, except me being a little confused about the whole thing. I want to take this opportunity to try to make things right. I'm happy to go for a happy coffee (or healthier alternative.) To talk and get this sorted out once and for all; whatever this is. I want you to know I am still here for you; no matter what. I care about you so much; especially after getting to know you over the past year and I would like it if we could hang out again regularly and for everything to ACTUALLY be cool. You inspire me more than you know with your positive attitude, your ability to see the beauty in just about every situation, and your ability to make me smile; no matter how sad I might be. To say I miss having you around Frog would be a total understatement; I want you to know that.

I also want you to know that I am open to any feedback, to any questions and well anything at all and I PROMISE (A cross my heart, stick a pin in my eye type of promise!) that I will do my best to become the person I need to be, to answer everything with honesty and to be fully genuine in everything. If it weren't for you in the last few months, I really don't know where I'd be (probably not physically in this city to be honest) and I want you to know that it was only your support that got me through. I promise I have been working so hard to get better the last month or so and I have definitely seen a definite change in myself, even if nobody else has.

I really miss having a friend like you around, for drinks, for town, for girlie chats, for advice, for Gloria Jeans during the day at work, for our random shopping trips and trips in the car just because. I miss our maccas runs and the spontaneously random afternoons we spent together.

All in all, I'm not entirely sure what you think about me right now, and I certainly don't know where we stand. I am really hoping this post answers a few of your questions (if you have any) and has let you know what my thinking in regards to it all is. I promise you this is 100% genuine and that it comes from my heart and soul. I miss you greatly.

xoxo

Me.

P.S. Smile! :D

Hey, what's been happening?

...or don't say hi back. That's cool. You know, it's not like I'm totally confused about what's going on and why I'm suddenly on the out at all.

I'm letting this go and not worrying because it's your perogative to be like this. If you have a problem with me, it's your problem now. I took the feedback into consideration and changed myself; put my self into a personal revitalising, happier mood self-retreat phase for a couple of weeks and worked really hard at it. I've come out the other end feeling much better about myself, but for some reason this doesn't seem resolved. I don't know what to do now; I've done what you want, but that still doesn't seem to be enough.

So here it is, (recognise those words?) in my personal retreat, I decided to start following the words of the late Ms Munroe:

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't need people to be like this to me and I certainly do not deserve this. I'd like things resolved and to be all good again, but I can't always have what I want and I know that. I don't expect others to change according to my will and I certainly don't think others should expect it of me. Be the change you see in the world is a quote I have always loved. I know you've gotten me through some of the hardest parts of the last few months and I appreciate that much more than you know; but I shouldn't be hated on and ignored just because I got sick and decided it wasn't a good idea for me to be involved in the plan. It was not a selfish decision, but a decision I made because I didn't want others to be worrying about me and because I was genuinely sick and tired.

It really hurts that even though we talked about NYE and all that and that we were happy for it to be resolved (well, I was anyway) and that I've changed myself to make life easier on you (and now myself as a result) only to be ignored and cast away. I thought you were one of my best friends. I miss you friend; whether you realise it or not. Please, let's get this resolved once and for all. Please.

Ok, so what if this blog has become ranty? It's the only place I seem to be able to do so, or even say what I think for that matter without getting judged, getting in trouble or looking like a total idiot.

To the person who has been ignoring me of late. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sick to death about being confused about where I stand with you. I put up with so much, but when I'm the one getting alienated for I don't even know what reason, then it's time to put my foot down. You know what? If you have a problem with me tell me to my face instead of making me feel like I don't belong where I should. If it's still to do with that letter you sent me, I thought that was all sorted out when you said for me to disregard it and that it was just a rant. I didn't disregard it, I used it as feedback and am trying as hard as I fucking well can to make myself better; so that people can't even get a glimpse of someone that isn't me (because apparently they've been seeing a person who I am, BUT REALLY AM NOT!) Here's the deal, I'm cool to forgive and forget, I've always been like that, but only as long as I know EXACTLY what this is and why this has been going for so much longer than it needed to. That letter seemed like you were trying to make me upset, well it's only worked a little because honestly, I'm confused and I'm just letting it go. I needed my little rant and now it's finished.

To the person I always seem to be helping: I am sick of the whole getting phone calls saying 'Hey can you get this for me?' Only to be told subtly to leave promptly after I deliver what you want. Tell you what; this keeps happening, I'm not going to keep doing it. I'm glad to help out friends, but lately it seems as though you've been making it hard to be friends and honestly, I'm feeling just a bit over-used by you. I cried on the way home tonight to think that you might be keeping me where you are so you can get what you want. It's only going to last a little longer if you keep going at it the way you are.

To BOTH of the above persons, please stop making me feel like I don't belong at the place you both know I'm talking about. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to be gotten rid of for the tiniest little things. I'm sick  of not knowing how to talk to you both. I'm sick of feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job of trying to be a good friend, when in reality I've been doing the bloody best I can. If you could see how much I've grown in the last month or so. How happy I am generally these days other than in one place; how hard I've been trying to be the person you guys seem to want me to be.

I'm here for you both, but I can't keep being treated the way I am either. Please take this into consideration. I love you BOTH as friends so damned much and I feel horrible for writing this blogpost even, but I feel that something needs to be said before things turn any more sour than they are. I miss having you guys as great friends; what is standing in the way? <3

Update: I don't feel the same way as I did in paragraph three and four anymore. 

Kinda just a little bit (or a lot) confused. That is all.

Pros and Cons...

Pro: Pedicures, Sushi and other fun stuffs with Owl today.
Con: Had to work. It wasn't too bad, but it wasn't the best night either.
Pro: Watching Buffy Marathons
Con: Not being able to wake up in the morning; follwed by a long stint of tirednes and other stuffs before the cycle starts again.
Pro: Weight training at home, getting fit again and losing the fatsness.
Con: Not being able to do this (most nights) before 11pm.
Pro: Excited about going back to uni.
Con: Shit scared.
Pro: I'm feeling better than I was this time last year.
Con: Only marginally.
Pro: Single, young and free.
Con: Single, lonely and getting older.
Pro: Sleep.
Con: Trying to achieve the act of sleeping.
Pro: I'm going to try to only take notice of the pros in this list.
Con: It's going to be damned hard.
Pro: But I CAN do it! I know I can!!!

This was not meant to be this way...

As you probably know by now, since just before my car got broken into, I hit a point and just went downhill. It's been a really rough few weeks to be honest. For the most part, nobody actually realises that this has happened. I'm chirpy and bubbly and try to be as fun as I can around most people in order to avoid questioning and to just get through the day. The only people I am not like this around are the people I trust to let myself be me around. I'm trying, but it's been getting harder to get better.

I'm a quiet person in groups, that's how I've always been. I was taught as a kid to be seen and not heard, and have continued to stand by this as an adult to try and hide my awkwardness in larger social situations. I'm scared of what people think of me and because of this, I'd rather not do or say anything that may humiliate me or make me feel like a total idiot. I feel that it is better to be thought a fool and say nothing than to speak out and leave no doubt.

Which leads me to my next point, I don't say what I think of people because I don't want people to be on edge around me; and I am not critical of anyone other than myself. You might think this sounds crazy but here's my logic behind this. So many people that I get along with complain about each other an immense amount. It quite honestly makes me sad, and I think 'Well, if they are talking about other people like this, what is it do they really think of me?' Sure I may be annoyed at someone for a particular reason for a little bit, but a couple of hours later I'm over it. If I talk to people about these petty little things, then I worry it will blow up out of proportion and become a mountain instead of the molehill that it was originally.  I tear myself up about the stupidest little things, and half the time I play cool so people don't realise that I'm hating on myself for something stupid that I've either said, thought or done. Why bring other people in on it or criticise anyone else if I can't get what I say, think or do right?

Also if someone is bagging another person out, I try to stay quiet or be as positive about the other person as possible. Why? Again, because I don't want a mountain to be made out of a mole hill. If someone is having a rant, then sure, I'll listen and understand. If I can't understand, then I will try my very best to. But that certainly doesn't mean I will rag out on the other person. I try to remain quiet most of the time when this does happen for two reasons; (a) because I don't want to be a devil's advocate and (b) because quite often all I'm thinking about the other person are positive thoughts and I don't want the other person to think, 'Well, she's not really listening, oh well.' Trying to stay neutral or positive about people is what makes me, me. I care about others much more than myself and I would do anything for those people; anything to ensure they are ok.

I care so much about other people that I often let things go that shouldn't be, which is why it surprises me when people tell me that they think I'm taking advantage of them. Seriously? Just because I'm upset because I think no one wants to be around me, then a couple of days later I feel really sick, try to get someone to replace my shift, but can't get anyone to. I then head to work anyway because I don't want to leave people in the lurch; where for half the night I'm *the next few words should be skipped by Antelope* dry-reaching, but trying to hide it and fight it so I can continue to do my job as I should. Where by the end of the night I'm absolutely wrecked and can hardly find it within me to move, let alone anything else. I wake up the next morning still feeling unwell, extremely tired and had to get up relatively early to head to work. I send a message to someone saying that they could have a particular event at theirs because I would probably end up going home to bed after I finished work. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel that night and didn't want to be a last-minute ditcher. Instead of anything at all positive, I get a message back saying something to the effect of 'Seriously? Whatever.' By this time I was at work (early as usual) and hid away, out of sight, crying until I had to shut away the tears for a few hours so I could work and help out the other person who was a lot more sick than I was.

I get a message after I get home speculating that I'd been attention-seeking, advantage-taking, manipulating as well as a lot of very hurtful things. To shorten the story a little, that was New Years Eve, I've tried admitting my ACTUAL wrongs, I've tried apologising for saying that I might not go because I was feeling sick and tired, I've tried dropping by and I have tried asking to shout for coffee. It is now the second of January and still nothing. I cried for hours from the time I got home from work on New Years Eve until I fell asleep at around four in the morning; after finally crying myself to sleep. Trust me, you never want to EVER spend New Years Eve, alone, crying. Feeling like you have no friends or no family. I've been crying on and off for the last couple of days because I don't know what to do about it now. I can't believe what I've been accused of, let alone who actually accused me. I guess I will just keep on cleaning, washing, watching movies, crying, listening to music and spending more time alone, because let's face it; APPARENTLY I deserve it. Whatever.

Also to make it completely clear, I don't want pity. I don't want to be taken care of by everyone; I can do that myself. All I want is understanding and not to be told that I've been or that I am something I'm not. Speculators, stop your shit, find out the facts first. Don't sprout unless you know everything about a situation. Actually; don't sprout at all, it just makes you look bad. I don't want it to go on any longer. I've begun a happy journal, I've begun a daily to do list journal and I've begun to try be as happy as possible. I'm doing my best, please understand that. I want this to be all sorted out, properly.