By this time of the night three long years ago, my body (thanks to autonomy) saved me from death at my own hands.
Three years ago I was a seventeen year old of whom had just been broken up with by her first love. Assignments for my final year at high school were pouring in and piling up; and home life wasn't much better. I couldn't see a way out of that situation other than through death at that time. No, I wasn't being selfish. No, I wasn't doing it for attention; quite the opposite actually. I wanted to disappear from everyone's lives to make it easier on them all. Three years later, I'm still alive.
Sure I'm going through quite a rough patch (especially with what happened a few weeks ago,) sure I miss some of the people I have called my friends within the last few years due to the fact they are no longer so (no this doesn't include USA friend because I haven't lost her;) and sure I may be financially challenged at the moment because the government agency who is supposed to be paying me is too busy to even tell it's customers the truth; but right now, there is no way in the world that I would want to leave this world.
Just thinking over all of the last four years in my head this weekend (and the keeping busy to avoid thinking too much about it) I have seen just how different I am as a person now. Intrinsically, I'm still the same. I care too much about others and what they think. I worry constantly about everything (though now to a much lesser extent.) I believe there is a God out there who is there to love, create, amend, challenge, and forgive us and everything else in the world.
I miss a lot at the moment; but I am also loving my life. When I'm at work, I'm focussed solely on work. When I'm at home, I am either cleaning, singing, dancing like an idiot, studying, praying or just chilling. When I'm at uni I'm either studying or mildly socialising while studying. At the moment, I love that even though my finances may be stretched, I still have food, a roof over my head, a car, an education that I'm passionately enjoying and studying, and the most awesome housemates in all of history.
I love the fact that even though some pretty bad things happened a few weeks ago I still have really awesome friends in this city, in the southern area of this state and overseas. I love that at the moment there will be spontaneous outbursts of rain (and music in my head;) or spontaneous music playing (with rain in my head,) and whatever other combination you can think of between the two. I love the fact that I am now in contact with an older biological sibling of mine and that she is one of the loveliest people around. I love that my bedroom smells of lavendar and sweet orange and that at least half of my room is dark parisian in style.
I love that I've found prayer to be the thing that allows me to step in other people's shoes and see how they saw the situation a few weeks ago. Yes, it made me feel how badly I hurt them, but it was also a valuable tool in allowing myself to begin my healing process; and to begin the process of forgiving myself for that situation. I love that there is a mass at uni every Sunday night where young people can come to mass and be within each others' company whilst spending time in prayer, worship and reconciliation. I love that there are regular events for young Catholics in the diocese to come together for social and/or prayerful events. I love that my church is open all week during the day and that I can spend as much time as I want or need in there; as often as I want.
It is often said that it is the moment after the point when you're about to give up that things start looking up. If anyone has had experience with this, it's me. I have lost count of how many times this has happened. Whether it be life, work, uni, school or any other thing that pops up; the same still rings true: keep going past that point where you want to just give it up; there is something just around the corner to make you glad you didn't.
I wish everyone all the love, happiness, grace, challenges (they open the doors for you in many ways) faith and hope in the world. You all deserve it.
~Live, Laugh, Love, Believe.
Three years ago I was a seventeen year old of whom had just been broken up with by her first love. Assignments for my final year at high school were pouring in and piling up; and home life wasn't much better. I couldn't see a way out of that situation other than through death at that time. No, I wasn't being selfish. No, I wasn't doing it for attention; quite the opposite actually. I wanted to disappear from everyone's lives to make it easier on them all. Three years later, I'm still alive.
Sure I'm going through quite a rough patch (especially with what happened a few weeks ago,) sure I miss some of the people I have called my friends within the last few years due to the fact they are no longer so (no this doesn't include USA friend because I haven't lost her;) and sure I may be financially challenged at the moment because the government agency who is supposed to be paying me is too busy to even tell it's customers the truth; but right now, there is no way in the world that I would want to leave this world.
Just thinking over all of the last four years in my head this weekend (and the keeping busy to avoid thinking too much about it) I have seen just how different I am as a person now. Intrinsically, I'm still the same. I care too much about others and what they think. I worry constantly about everything (though now to a much lesser extent.) I believe there is a God out there who is there to love, create, amend, challenge, and forgive us and everything else in the world.
I miss a lot at the moment; but I am also loving my life. When I'm at work, I'm focussed solely on work. When I'm at home, I am either cleaning, singing, dancing like an idiot, studying, praying or just chilling. When I'm at uni I'm either studying or mildly socialising while studying. At the moment, I love that even though my finances may be stretched, I still have food, a roof over my head, a car, an education that I'm passionately enjoying and studying, and the most awesome housemates in all of history.
I love the fact that even though some pretty bad things happened a few weeks ago I still have really awesome friends in this city, in the southern area of this state and overseas. I love that at the moment there will be spontaneous outbursts of rain (and music in my head;) or spontaneous music playing (with rain in my head,) and whatever other combination you can think of between the two. I love the fact that I am now in contact with an older biological sibling of mine and that she is one of the loveliest people around. I love that my bedroom smells of lavendar and sweet orange and that at least half of my room is dark parisian in style.
I love that I've found prayer to be the thing that allows me to step in other people's shoes and see how they saw the situation a few weeks ago. Yes, it made me feel how badly I hurt them, but it was also a valuable tool in allowing myself to begin my healing process; and to begin the process of forgiving myself for that situation. I love that there is a mass at uni every Sunday night where young people can come to mass and be within each others' company whilst spending time in prayer, worship and reconciliation. I love that there are regular events for young Catholics in the diocese to come together for social and/or prayerful events. I love that my church is open all week during the day and that I can spend as much time as I want or need in there; as often as I want.
It is often said that it is the moment after the point when you're about to give up that things start looking up. If anyone has had experience with this, it's me. I have lost count of how many times this has happened. Whether it be life, work, uni, school or any other thing that pops up; the same still rings true: keep going past that point where you want to just give it up; there is something just around the corner to make you glad you didn't.
I wish everyone all the love, happiness, grace, challenges (they open the doors for you in many ways) faith and hope in the world. You all deserve it.
~Live, Laugh, Love, Believe.
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