Homesick. I miss my best friend, my home, my routine, my twin brother. I miss how well I did in Maryborough at all things academic. I miss running around my neighbourhood... without worrying about getting an asthma attack because of the polluted and humid air. I miss feeling the freedom of living in the country. I miss being able to talk to my foster dads and my foster mums. I feel terrible for not being more understanding about my foster mum's mental health and that I didn't listen to what she was trying to tell me. Sure she had a strange way of saying it, but she knew where I belonged. God knows where I belong... and I really am not sure it's here in the town of brown.
Missing someone who I really shouldn't be so dependent upon. I've been trying to think of him as a brother in Christ. A friend and nothing more. Stupid feelings, stupid emotions, stupid me. I know the Lord has his plans for me and that fact should be comforting, but the fact that he is somewhere in Asia at this particular moment and will be in South-East Asia for a month is the least comforting thing I can think of right now, except for the fact that it's part of God's plan for him to be there. To work out the kinks in his family.
Sick and dry prayer life. My prayer life since he's been gone seems to be taking a real battering. I can't feel God there like I have been these past few months. Every time I try to go to a church to pray, they are closed. I want some quality time with God, in his house; especially whilst I am dealing with all of this.
Stressed. Trying to get my Statement of Reasons and supporting documentation together is like trying to pull a salivary gland out without anasthetic... Painful and seemingly time-slowing. People's expectations are really starting to get me down, especially when they tell me that I'm...
Unsettled. I know I'm unsettled, I just try to not think about it. I'd rather look at the positives in my life: I have a job, I have an income, I have a house to live in, I have friends, I have transport and I have God... even if I can't feel him here. Believe me, I want to settle and know what I want to do (and what I SHOULD do) as much as other people want me to... more so in fact! Being unsettled is unsettling, but so is people telling you that fact.
Battered self confidence. With all of these "You should..."'s and "You would..."'s I feel like no one can take me seriously, like no one believes that I'm doing anything with my life. If they had to walk in my shoes, I'm sure they would see things differently. Being bombarded with images and expectations of thinness, good looks (made to be so with make-up) and career aspirations; I feel like no one really is appreciating me for me. It's enough to make one want to take up a form of hermitude. Yeah, I know, hermitude is really not for me seeing that I'm such a FOMO (Fear of missing out) but hey, I've done it before. I'm sick of getting complimented ONLY when I have make up on. I put make up on often when I'm not feeling too good (bluntly: when I feel like total s***); it then, therefore, frustrates me when people compliment me on how I look when I'm trying to cover myself up. To hide behind the mask. I don't want to be complimented for hiding; simple as that!
Lack of appetite... Even for tea, sushi and salmon. Keeping a food journal has been handy. I let myself have a cheat day a week and that's it. All other consumption is accounted for in the effort to get back in shape. I want to be fit again. Fitness allows me to set goals and therefore feel like I'm actually achieving something rather than running around in circles getting no where (no, the pun was not intended.) With this stress, unsettlement, dryness in faith, homesickness and stupid emotions (I want to be single; emotionally, mentally and officially; why is it now that this has to be in my face? I'm happier being a single and being dependent on God. NOT another person!) I am losing my appetite for things I usually love consuming. Sushi, salmon, cucumber, teas of numerous varieties, etc.
Stupid mental health. Stupid emotions. Stupid brain. Stupid life. God please be with me and comfort me. You are my stronghold, my fortress, my solitude, my sanity, my life; please don't ever let me forget that (but please cut me some slack too!) Cheers.
Missing someone who I really shouldn't be so dependent upon. I've been trying to think of him as a brother in Christ. A friend and nothing more. Stupid feelings, stupid emotions, stupid me. I know the Lord has his plans for me and that fact should be comforting, but the fact that he is somewhere in Asia at this particular moment and will be in South-East Asia for a month is the least comforting thing I can think of right now, except for the fact that it's part of God's plan for him to be there. To work out the kinks in his family.
Sick and dry prayer life. My prayer life since he's been gone seems to be taking a real battering. I can't feel God there like I have been these past few months. Every time I try to go to a church to pray, they are closed. I want some quality time with God, in his house; especially whilst I am dealing with all of this.
Stressed. Trying to get my Statement of Reasons and supporting documentation together is like trying to pull a salivary gland out without anasthetic... Painful and seemingly time-slowing. People's expectations are really starting to get me down, especially when they tell me that I'm...
Unsettled. I know I'm unsettled, I just try to not think about it. I'd rather look at the positives in my life: I have a job, I have an income, I have a house to live in, I have friends, I have transport and I have God... even if I can't feel him here. Believe me, I want to settle and know what I want to do (and what I SHOULD do) as much as other people want me to... more so in fact! Being unsettled is unsettling, but so is people telling you that fact.
Battered self confidence. With all of these "You should..."'s and "You would..."'s I feel like no one can take me seriously, like no one believes that I'm doing anything with my life. If they had to walk in my shoes, I'm sure they would see things differently. Being bombarded with images and expectations of thinness, good looks (made to be so with make-up) and career aspirations; I feel like no one really is appreciating me for me. It's enough to make one want to take up a form of hermitude. Yeah, I know, hermitude is really not for me seeing that I'm such a FOMO (Fear of missing out) but hey, I've done it before. I'm sick of getting complimented ONLY when I have make up on. I put make up on often when I'm not feeling too good (bluntly: when I feel like total s***); it then, therefore, frustrates me when people compliment me on how I look when I'm trying to cover myself up. To hide behind the mask. I don't want to be complimented for hiding; simple as that!
Lack of appetite... Even for tea, sushi and salmon. Keeping a food journal has been handy. I let myself have a cheat day a week and that's it. All other consumption is accounted for in the effort to get back in shape. I want to be fit again. Fitness allows me to set goals and therefore feel like I'm actually achieving something rather than running around in circles getting no where (no, the pun was not intended.) With this stress, unsettlement, dryness in faith, homesickness and stupid emotions (I want to be single; emotionally, mentally and officially; why is it now that this has to be in my face? I'm happier being a single and being dependent on God. NOT another person!) I am losing my appetite for things I usually love consuming. Sushi, salmon, cucumber, teas of numerous varieties, etc.
Stupid mental health. Stupid emotions. Stupid brain. Stupid life. God please be with me and comfort me. You are my stronghold, my fortress, my solitude, my sanity, my life; please don't ever let me forget that (but please cut me some slack too!) Cheers.
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