Ashamed

Written on 21-02-2012:

I did something terrible on the weekend; something I am more than ashamed about. I am guilt-ridden and regretful; to a point. I can't believe I did that. If I had the opportunity again though would I do the same thing? Probably. Why? Because it felt like exactly the right decision at the time. Would I change it though so people wouldn't have been hurt or felt betrayed? You betcha!

Now, before you start asking questions about what I could have possibly done that was that bad; let me tell you that I'm not going to tell you what happened; only what I feel. As I thought about it, I realised that unless I brought some structure to it, what I would say would make it completely clear. Instead I have chosen a few extracts from Anastasia's 'Left Outside Alone' as a structural (and albeit connotational) reference point. Here goes!

Left broken, empty in despair:
After so much had gone wrong so quickly, I felt broken, lost, alone. NYE I was alone, empty and completely miserable (again because of a choice I made that turned out to apparently not be quite right) and full of despair because that night; I had no one. I'd pushed everyone away.

Want to breathe, can't find air:
I try to get back up, to start running along the jumbled masses of pathways paved through my mind, but I can't breathe. I want to, but without support, with a broken and bruised shell and an inside that resembled blended blood plums, I couldn't find air to breathe. I kept trying to swim my way to the surface, but the tension there was too much and I had no one to pull me out. I couldn't get to what would save me.

Thought you were sent from up above:

I thought the new found 'plough the clay fields' me who could create, read, write, and love everything and be inspired by everything in the surrounds was getting somewhere. I moved my room around, painted some canvas to make a feature on one of my walls, on the other large wall, pictures and quotes that inspired me. I looked at the new me and thought wow; how could I get like this so quickly? I'm actually kinda awesome?

But you and me never had love:

But I've never been able to keep a hold of anything so great for a significant period of time. It either breaks, gets lost, gets taken away from me or I throw it away without a second thought; and regret it and feel incredible guilt about it. I guess happiness and me maybe will never have a long term relationship with one another.

So much more I have to say:

There is so much about all this that I could rant on and on for so long your eyeballs would fall out of your head due to decayment; after you've been dead tens of thousands of years (or possibley a little less.) I can't say everything because I'm scared. Scared that if any one else found out that they'd never want to talk to me again; and right now, I can't really handle too much more of that. I'm strong, yes; but not that strong.

Help me find a way:

I just need support and even just the tiniest inkspot of understanding. I know what I did was terrible but it involved more than just me and although I didn't exactly check the background and the few scenes before the show, I thought that there was nothing left of any of that; so I did what I did. I just want to deal with it now. I've faced the music, I've done what I need to. I just need to know what to do next, along with some help and support to get me back on track. I know I can do it; I just have so much of it all going through my head unceasingly at the moment that it really is quite hard to think in a clear, logical and coherent manner.

Still I wonder if you know

How it really feels

To be left outside alone

When it's cold out here.
These lines speak for themselves pretty much. I wonder if they really know how it feels to be the one who always seems stuck on the outside, scared to speak or act because if I do, it's likely to either be criticised or absolutely crazy. It's happened my whole life. Always been very socially awkward and nervous around people. Now, after the weekend I wonder if I'm ever going to let myself be 'normal' again because of the massive fear I have of messing it all up this huge again. How is it that I can forgive people so quickly and easily yet when it comes to me, it's like bam. Forever banished to a land far far far away from civilised socialisation. Always the strange, weird awkward one, but I'm hoping to change that.

I want to become a better me. I'm working hard on it, I promise you!



I guess only time will tell; in the meantime, there's mastercard.

(Well, not really a mastercard, but I have the ability to build myself back up slowly again. Hopefully, I WILL stay on an up for longer than a week in time to come)