Yesterday (and the early hours of this morning) was nothing short of CRAZY!!! I went to the doctor yesterday after being referred there by my very lovely counsellor. I was so nervous. I couldn't keep myself from constant fidgeting... and I'm sure the doctor noticed. For once, I actually mentioned that I was nervous around doctors and explained why; and the doctor was highly understanding. The doctor mentioned (like the counsellor did last week) that I should go on medication to 'fill my Dopamine cup' so I don't feel as shite. After being highly skeptical and questioning whether I really needed them; I accepted a prescription for anti-depressants from the doctor.
Work was great! We had a fairly steady night, got everything done early, got out right on time and even had a few of our 'water' breaks during the night. We danced around randomly at point because we were having fun. Yes, even I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying my night, until I waited for forty minutes in a car. I didn't become upset because I was waiting, I became upset because I spent that time thinking. Thinking about everything. It wasn't like I meant to make myself upset; it just happened.
When I got to the place where we were to have drinks, I tried to pretend to be pumped again. I really wanted to be excited and to be having fun. I tried to think alternative thoughts, to not be paying attention to my automatically negative thoughts; it didn't work. I guess once your thoughts have been following a particularly negative path for so long, it takes a while to be able to get back to thinking in ways that don't automatically catastrophise everything. But I kept trying. Trying to not feel awkward around a particular person who I've humiliated myself in front of multiple times. Trying to pretend everything was ok. Trying to be happy.
But I went downhill; fast. I drank. I drank more. I went for a walk intending to walk home, but a friend of a friend drove around to look for me and found me; so I made up a story that I was walking to clear my head. I returned to the drinks session. I drank more. I drank too much. I got sick. I got really quiet. Everyone either went home or inside to bed except for Frog. I slipped in and out of consciousness and sickness. I cried.
It hurt to cry; but I couldn't do anything else. I can't believe how much I was still hurting, even after I'd been drinking. Usually I might feel a little unhappy with how my life is headed at the time. Usually I feel at least a little bit numb once I've had a few to drink. Last night I could still feel it all... even though I'd drank enough to be sick. I don't usually get sick that easily. Usually I don't get a hangover like that; I'm usually just tired.
Another night of humiliating myself. I just wanted them to go to bed so they could sleep. I'm used to no sleep, they aren't. I thank them with every ounce of appreciation possible for staying with me last night; for not letting me sleep outside by myself on the patio like I wanted to. For the walk and the maccas run at sunrise just because. Thank you for helping me see the positives, even if it did take a few hours. Thank you for helping me see the beauty in a sunrise; in a new day.For everything. Frog; I can't thank you enough.
Work was great! We had a fairly steady night, got everything done early, got out right on time and even had a few of our 'water' breaks during the night. We danced around randomly at point because we were having fun. Yes, even I was enjoying myself. I was enjoying my night, until I waited for forty minutes in a car. I didn't become upset because I was waiting, I became upset because I spent that time thinking. Thinking about everything. It wasn't like I meant to make myself upset; it just happened.
When I got to the place where we were to have drinks, I tried to pretend to be pumped again. I really wanted to be excited and to be having fun. I tried to think alternative thoughts, to not be paying attention to my automatically negative thoughts; it didn't work. I guess once your thoughts have been following a particularly negative path for so long, it takes a while to be able to get back to thinking in ways that don't automatically catastrophise everything. But I kept trying. Trying to not feel awkward around a particular person who I've humiliated myself in front of multiple times. Trying to pretend everything was ok. Trying to be happy.
But I went downhill; fast. I drank. I drank more. I went for a walk intending to walk home, but a friend of a friend drove around to look for me and found me; so I made up a story that I was walking to clear my head. I returned to the drinks session. I drank more. I drank too much. I got sick. I got really quiet. Everyone either went home or inside to bed except for Frog. I slipped in and out of consciousness and sickness. I cried.
It hurt to cry; but I couldn't do anything else. I can't believe how much I was still hurting, even after I'd been drinking. Usually I might feel a little unhappy with how my life is headed at the time. Usually I feel at least a little bit numb once I've had a few to drink. Last night I could still feel it all... even though I'd drank enough to be sick. I don't usually get sick that easily. Usually I don't get a hangover like that; I'm usually just tired.
Another night of humiliating myself. I just wanted them to go to bed so they could sleep. I'm used to no sleep, they aren't. I thank them with every ounce of appreciation possible for staying with me last night; for not letting me sleep outside by myself on the patio like I wanted to. For the walk and the maccas run at sunrise just because. Thank you for helping me see the positives, even if it did take a few hours. Thank you for helping me see the beauty in a sunrise; in a new day.For everything. Frog; I can't thank you enough.
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